Advice For Men Who Come On Too Strong

You know how to put yourself out there but you keep scaring women off.

If women gave you a chance you could make a great boyfriend but you never make it that far because you seem desperate.

Here’s my advice for men who come on too strong.

Stop Scaring Women Off With These Five Tips

There are plenty of reasons that dates go bad but if you’re worried that you’re the problem then you probably are. Keep these five tips in mind to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Don’t Take Things Too Seriously

When people say nice guys finish last, they’re missing the point. What they really mean is that dating has changed and some men aren’t keeping up.

Showing up for an old school dinner date with a bouquet and sweeping her off her feet may have been the bare minimum in the past but now it’s way, way over the top. This kind of pomp and circumstance puts a lot of pressure on a woman and could easily turn her off instantly.

complimenting a girlInstead, your focus should be on showing her you know how to relax and go with the flow.

A good rule of thumb is no gifts, surprises, or overly affectionate compliments in the first few weeks of spending time together. Save those grand romantic gestures until you’re seeing each other more seriously and then she’ll be thrilled.

You’ll also definitely want to avoid “thirsty comments” on social media (ie. compliments left on a girl’s social media photos or posts).

Quit While You’re Ahead

Attracting a woman means creating an air of mystery. You need to recognize when you’re connecting with a woman and leave her wanting more.

So many guys will get to that point and take a moment of connection as an opportunity to forge ahead right away, asking women out on the spot or overstaying their welcome. This is a sure sign of desperation for any woman.

Instead, leave things on a high note. Make her laugh and then bid her farewell. You’ll find that the next time you see her, she’s going to be much more receptive.

Find Middle Ground

Let’s talk about a familiar pattern. Men who scare women off tend to overcorrect and withdraw romantically in their next encounter.

The next time around they keep to themselves and miss out on opportunities by being too aloof.

Then they get desperate, do something excessive and scare off the next woman they run into.

The good news is once you understand this cycle, you can break it. You’ve shown you’re capable of being the hopeless romantic and the standoffish bad boy. All you need to do is find a middle ground between the two and you’ll be more attractive to women instantly.


This is the real key skill that’s lacking in most men–you need to learn how to flirt without being creepy.

The popularity of dating apps is directly related to men’s inability to safely flirt in regular life. Men with this problem don’t know how to read the signals. They either take flirting too far or avoid it altogether.

Flirting is difficult but if you can figure it out then you’ll have a leg up on most men. Keep the winks and friendly hugs to yourself and instead opt for a more indirect approach. Use humour and gentle teasing to get her attention and interest. You want her to feel charmed, not singled out.

Conquer Your Nerves

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: most people have no idea what they’re doing in social situations.

Those people that seem calm, confident and in control have simply discovered ways to hide their nerves. Whether it’s humour, self deprecation or fidgeting there are plenty of ways to take that nervous energy and use it somewhere else.

Find your own coping mechanism and use it to take the edge off when you’re interacting with a potential date.


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  • She tells me that she wants me around and she is telling that she doesn’t think we will be together but she tells me that she is thinking about me….but when I ask her for a relationship she tells she can’t do it with me because each of personality is different..what should I do

  • I did come off too strong in the second date. Planned a whole meal and after wards went in for the kiss. I think it was fine but I initiated a little beyond that to which she said no and I respectfully backed off. I did drop her home and she messaged me checking if I did reach home and thanked me for doing so.

    I left it alone for a few days regretting my stupidity and tried contacting her after a few days since she had an important assignment due then and I didn’t want to distract. She did respond about how her assignment went but then said that she doesn’t see this going any further for her.

    I’m pretty sure my behavior showed her that I wanted her but not in a secure way which is unfortunate because I think this girl might have been a really good fit. Is there a way to get her back?

    More context: I responded to her message saying thanks for coming back and that I did think about it a lot and I was slightly upset but wished her the best and said that this message was until next time…

    I do think this woman is special and my behavior was the stupidest possible thing in the world. Is there a way I can get her back?

    • Sorry to hear that. What happened to you is the perfect example of what I talked about in “Quit While You’re Ahead.” Trying to do anything at this point would only make things worse. You don’t want to risk losing all the attraction she has for you by looking desperate and needy. Perseverance is a good thing, but only when used right, so lay off for now. You can try sending her a meme or a funny video after a month or two. Basically, build a conversation with a positive atmosphere to excite her. Use the momentum and try asking her out again. If you still hit a snag and don’t get any progress, then I think you should just take the hint and accept the rejection like a gentleman. Good luck!

      • Thanks Kate!

        A few things that genuinely that I could take from your videos was:

        1. To work on myself: Although professionally stable, I’ve realized life circumstances not allowing for me to be with someone has brought out the needy side in me which is really unfair to the other person.

        2. Awareness: I really want to work hard on being more socially cognizant.

        Not super hopeful that’d she’s reconsider after a month or two but can’t fully let it go since I haven’t connected so well with someone – I’ll follow your advise but I’m hoping you can help me dig a little deeper and try and impress her again.

        Spent hours talking to her with neither side getting awkward. Usually takes me 10 minutes to get someone awkward. Again, working on this diligently.

        Apologies for the rant. A private consultation may help when you are open to new clients. Thanks again!

  • Hey Kate
    I’m Jeffrey
    I already am a follower of yours and I receive an email from you regularly. My question is, so I was with this girl for 3 months and things moved kinda fast on both of our sides. And she had been in several toxic relationships before where she had been cheated on and mistreated back to back. So she had a lot of insecurities and I went a little overboard trying to ease those when I shouldn’t have. And she went from one week saying she loved where things are going with us to the next week saying she needs a break from everything and isn’t ready to be with anybody right now. That was at the first of May. Sense then we’ve spoke and texted a little bit. But I’m trying to give her the space she asked for. But we had planned on going to dinner when she gets back from vacation with family. Then one of her friends saw me out eating with my friends and their two kids. A few days later she text me saying “ Hey there! How are you? Sarah said she ran into you at Agave and I just wanted to reach out and say I hope all is well.” This girl sent me tons of mixed signals during the relationship and now I’m just not sure what to think or what to do. Because I don’t know if this is a game, a test, or just a wall of protection she’s built up. I’m 37 years old and I’m a catch. I’m a good looking guy, I’ve got a great career, and I stay in shape. But in all these years I’ve never been able to figure out what is really going on in a woman’s head. ??‍♂️
    Any advice would be much appreciated.
    I didn’t know how else to reach you. So I hope me messaging you here is ok.

    • Perhaps her reaching out is a sign that she’s ready to move forward? You did good by giving her the space she’s asking for, but don’t shut her out completely. Respond casually. It’s important to convey that you’re still interested, but make sure you don’t look a little too overeager and desperate. I think it’s great that you know your worth, so you shouldn’t have any problem in that department. The goal is to show her that this relationship is going to be different from her previous, toxic ones, so move in a pace that she’s comfortable with. Good luck Jeffrey!

  • I didn’t mean to put my full name on my comment ??‍♂️
    Can that please get changed to anonymous??
    Or just deleted all together and I’ll email you about coaching.

  • I’m stuck in friend zone with my wife. It is a long and difficult story. We’ve been married for 7 years. We have two children one with special needs. This makes it very hard for me to initiate a no contact situation. We both have jobs and I watch the kids while she works and then I go off to work when she gets home most days. Well she recently found a new boyfriend. That didn’t work out and she said she wants to work on our marriage. So when I moved back in to the house I found I got everything as far as being a husband except for any intimacy whatsoever. I have recently on my own moved back out of the house. But I still have a difficult time creating the kind of distance that I need to create to make her miss me. I was just wondering if you had any advice for a guy in my situation.

    • That sounds tough Kristopher. I recommend you check out the Mend the Marriage program by my good friend, Brad Browning. I think he’s the right guy to help you out considering this is his specialty and he’s been helping couples for the past couple of years. He’s got his own popular YouTube channel with videos that would be really helpful for you. Here’s the link to his program:

  • Hi Kate,

    I met this girl who works at a restaurant and we talked about 10-15 minutes and had a great conversation. I saw her again at the restaurant she works at two days later when I went through the drive-thru and we didn’t talk the next time but we both smiled at each other. I could tell she was happy to see me. I haven’t asked for her number yet. How often should I go and see her? I want to make sure I give her enough space so I don’t mess up a good thing. I also want to make sure I give her space but still show her I’m interested at the same time. Also, when should I ask for her number?

    • Why don’t you go ask next time you see her? Just make sure you don’t make it awkward for her at her workplace. You can visit more than your usual, but nothing too crazy like almost everyday, you know what I mean? Again, I want to emphasize that your advances shouldn’t make her uncomfortable while she’s working. You can make your moves after her shift or when you’re out together.

  • My ex split up with me. We were in a long distance relationship (England and Austria) 

    She’s been going through alot recently (cancer scare, her mother had a procedure, lost family member, moving house, 3 kids keeping her up most nights, argument with her neice who she now lives with) and out of the blue she dumped me cause her brain hadn’t been functioning recently and she felt overwhelmed. 

    When I mentioned to her after the breakup that I’m currently going through an application so I can get visa to move to Austria. She said that it doesn’t matter if I’m living there or not she can’t be in a relationship with anyone right now

    I replied to say that I’ll always be a text or call away if she ever needs anyone. She replied and agreed that it’s the same for me.

    She sent me a couple of other messages asking me to change my social media pictures but I never replied to those

    I haven’t messaged her since the evening she split up with me

    What do you suggest I do? I’m currently doing no contact period 

    • Hey Michael! Why is she asking to change your social media pictures? Do you still have her on your profile picture or something? If so, then change it right away but don’t reply to her message. Just do as she asks and stick with your no contact.

  • So I’m now in the dreaded friendzone for about 4 weeks and it’s sure as hell torturing my mind. I just can’t get her out of my head.

    See on hindsight we both felt the mutual attraction by the end of the 2nd date, but I wasn’t sure at that point.

    Thinking back, I reckoned she had some powerful emotions to want to be together but I wasn’t spontaneous about her idea of a staycation, and I failed to catch any hints during the date itself – like her intentionally holding on to my arm for abit while walking up the stairs and reacting like a little girl on silly jokes or comments i made. She’s 42 by the way.

    So I didn’t plan the staycation as I thought she wanted to look for a place that she liked. We were texting and greeting each other intimately by the next day. We discussed about it for a few days and eventually she decided not to go ahead. Everything was normal so I thought, even though I still wasn’t sure about our status as I felt it would be only right for a guy to make the first move.

    The following days would be hot one day and cold the next.
    The subsequent 2 dates turned out to be more like casual dates though I did gave her a couple of birthday surprises, gift and flowers included.

    So it was a tough and challenging July for me and on our last 2 dates I somehow may have exposed her to my negativity and ugly side – shared with her some of the darker sides of my past.

    2 days later, she asked to respect her decision to not rush into a relationship for now. It’s been radio silence for 4 weeks – apart from a couple of greeting GIFs each.

    Please tell me I still stand a chance? She’s running through my mind almost every minute. How do I approach her to rekindle the spark that I know we had? Is it even possible for her to recover the powerful emotions again? I know I am capable of the better version of me and I am sure Version 1 is the real me but how do I prove it to her? Would this distance turn out to be allowing her to move on without me?

    • Well, anything you do at this point would risk losing any attraction she has left for you as it makes you come across as clingy and desperate, so it’s best to let things stay as they are right now. You can look on the bright side- based on what you wrote, she didn’t exactly say no and said she’s just not rushing into a relationship for now. You giving her space and respecting her decision is a huge plus for you. By giving her time to sort out her feelings, you’re actually doing yourself a favor because you’re setting yourself apart from the rest. There’s not a lot of guys out there who can do that you know? I know it’s hard, but you just gotta hang in there. If you’re not the waiting type, then you should consider moving on. Who knows? Maybe if she starts seeing you dating someone, that healthy jealousy might be what she needs to come into terms with her emotions and admit she has feelings for you. Best of luck John!

    • Hi Kate. So i met this mum through kids circles and we chat and flirt when we see eachother and via text etc. There is a catch (she just had a baby and is in a relationship- i know but its very complicated!!!)

      Anyhow i saw her at a kids even other day and we talked about a playdate/dinner which she seemed keen on. Later in convo she said something she had on was cancelled so in my head i thought maybe we could meet up then so i suggested it but was met with this reaction: she really reluctantly said no that she just wanted a night in that night then said dont ask me when im so tired, that shes really struggling atm. Was like she didnt want to say no but did.

      I just obviously said not thats ok its all good totally understand and tried to not show any disappointment as well i do understand especially given situation.

      Anyhow night went on and we actually had a nice time and ended up staying on at event, Ate together, kids played, she insisted on helping me with stuff back to my car and had a nice big hug after (never have before).

      Anyhow so confused, should i apologise for asking her to hang out or presssuing her too hard, have i ruined it?, should i back off?

      • Yes, I think you should just back off considering that she’s still in a relationship. There’s no need to apologize. Doing so would only make things more awkward between the two of you.

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