As a Twentieth century woman, I’ve come across my fair share of flirtatious banter with men. Some of it has been electric, heart pounding, and knee-weakening, and some of it has been much less than satisfying. Cringe-worthy some might say. It is my mission to help you to avoid being a cringe-worthy conversationalist, especially when it comes to texting.
Texting is an art form. One that requires a certain attention to detail because it lacks a huge part of communication, which is body language. So that means that your words and the timing of those words really matter.
To help you achieve this end, I’ve compiled the top four mistakes that men make when texting women. These are mistakes that you should avoid making and, by doing so, will increase your dating value.
1. The 3-Day Rule:
Something that I see far too often in the dating scene is the dreaded 3-day rule. That is when you get a girl’s phone number and wait three days to text her.
Why this is a problem is because, if you have just gotten a girl’s phone number after one meeting, then it’s unrealistic to think that that one interaction had the impact and staying power to make a woman keep thinking about you.
By day two, she has probably filed you away in her swing and a miss pile or she knows that you’re playing the 3-day rule because it’s been around for so long.
A good rule of thumb is to wait no more than a day. You’re trying to build attraction and you need to build on your momentum. That is why waiting three days to make the first move leaves too much space for her to move on. Making a connection and planting the seed of desire is key for you at the texting stage of the dating game.
2. The Bore:
The second mistake that I see all too often is the boring, meaningless text. That is the “sup?” “How’s it hanging?” those type of texts that don’t really light a fire under anyone’s butt to respond and are, quite frankly, pretty useless in building attraction. This is the equivalent to the people that are uncomfortable in awkward silences and have to fill it with nonsense.
“Knowing how to text a girl for the first time means knowing how to come off as the perfect mix of confident and interested.”
–Monica Knapp, Gotham Club Neuroscientist
The solution to this is to text her when you feel like it and not out of boredom or thinking that you should be texting her. With texting, it’s important to remember that quality over quantity will really distinguish you as a high-value man against your fellow male counterparts. Try and come up with something that will draw her in to the conversation. You want a conversation hook. One way to do that is you could say, “Did I see you at the New Youths show last night at Element?” Even if you didn’t see her, this way you can open up a conversation about your night, and even your music taste. This is a subtle way to bypass the hi-how-are-you line of texting and jump right into your interests ie. Your taste in music.
3. The Destitute Dude:
The destitute dude is the needy guy who continues to text when his previous texts have gone unanswered. This is not a good look for a man or woman. It comes off too strong. It’s like having someone breathing down your neck. And it does not lead to attraction. It leads to ghosting.
I’ll never forget the time I went on a date with a man and what happened after. The date went really well, at first, I was attracted to him, we had the same interests, he was charming and funny. Pretty much everything that you’d want out of a first date.
After the date, I was already excited to see him again until he messaged me directly after the date probably 7 times saying how much he enjoyed himself and he was trying to make plans with me 2 months in advance. I was quite turned off at this point. It felt like he wanted to skip the dating and wooing part of courtship and just fast forward into a long-term relationship. Not only was he texting me no-stop, but he was also planning our future together after one date! Suffice it to say that I did not see him again and that the incessant texting didn’t stop for quite some time after.
Don’t be that guy.
One way to combat this is to follow the 2:1 ratio. For every two text messages you send, do not respond until she has replied at least once. This way you don’t come off too strong. And the second thing to do is to wait approximately the same amount of time that she took to respond. Yes, this is a game, but at the beginning of any relationship, it’s important to keep the power in a state of balance. And not show your eagerness or desperation. That will kill any chance you have at building some intense attraction with a woman.
4. The Show Off:
Alright, our fourth and final no-no in texting is showing off over text. Because tone is very hard to convey over text, I wouldn’t try and take the douchey-joke approach because that can, and usually does, come off at just being an ass.
Your first few messages should not include the following:
- A picture of your monthly income. Don’t send a picture of your paycheck.
- A picture of yourself in boxers holding your junk in the bathroom mirror.
- A picture of your boner holding a towel.
- A picture of just your boner.
All of these are big no-nos! And they have been sent before. I’m a fan of sexting, but with the right lead up. It should be a consensual thing. Sending a dick pic is always sketchy when you’re not in a relationship. So hold off and test the waters.
Instead, try sending funny memes and gifs. Or pictures of you on a hike that day. Regardless if you’re looking for something long-term with a girl or just something casual, women still like a little bit of romance, and the dick pic is not the modern day equivalent to a love poem.
Your goal is to exude a fine balance between being humble and confident.
So go forth and text away. Spend some time honing your conversational craft and become the guy that can take any conversation and turn it into an exciting interaction that makes any woman crazed with desire for you.