How to Escape the Friend Zone

The early 2000’s was the year of those teen comedies about the nerdy guy finally winning the girl. Or Tv shows like the OC where, throughout the course of the season, the nerdy guy became cool and the one to get the girl. I remember them quite fondly.

I’m here to give you some tips on how to escape the dreaded friend zone. You can rejoice because I guarantee that if you use these methods not only will you escape the friend zone, but you will also become a better version of yourself. Someone who doesn’t get friend zoned.

Why Women Put Men in the Friend Zone:

So, now you’re wondering what the key to getting out of the friend zone is? And I wish I could say there was one swift way to do it, but there isn’t. It’s a combination of things. But first I think it is important to understand why women put men in the friend zone. And that is that women genuinely believe men and women can be friends. But I’m not going to facilitate that debate here today.

Another reason why you are put in the friend zone is that you’re too reliable.

That is not a bad way to be, but I’m guessing you give your friend a lot of positive attention because you just enjoy her company. With you being her emotional boyfriend without the physical stuff, she is satisfied emotionally because she has positive male attention and a little sexual tension. But — and that’s a big but !–  because you have such a great friendship, she doesn’t want to jeopardize losing you as a friend. Which is also why you are not physically and romantically together.

Being in the friend zone has its benefits. You are already in your crush’s world. You know what makes her tick and what she wants. Ultimately, you are the best person for the job of being her boyfriend. She just doesn’t know it yet.

In the friend zone, you give girls the attention they want, which allows assholes the space to be their negligent asshole selves. And plus, she doesn’t want to ruin that friendship with you so she looks for physical male attention elsewhere. If you look at this on the bright side, this means you have value to her and that is pretty damn important in a world where people are pretty replaceable. Especially with the presence of social media bridging the gaps between social circles everywhere.

How to Escape the Friend Zone:

1. Don’t be at her Beck and call

Now that you know you’re in the friend zone and want to escape it, you have to change how you interact with her. One way of doing this is to not be at her beck and call. You have to create a little bit of distance so that she gets a chance to miss you.

You want to create more of a life for yourself outside of your friendship with her. One of the ways you can do this is to be busy. Keep yourself busy so that the next time she calls you to hang out you can say oh I’m sorry I already have plans. And plans that don’t include her.

Another way to not be at her beck and  call is the next time she phones you to vent or just to chat, you need to end the conversation first. Just be like, “hey, I’ve gotta go, my friend just got here.” You need to assert some independence from her. That’s what women look for in a man. And you don’t owe her an explanation. I’m not advocating for you to play games with her and or to make her jealous, I’m simply suggesting that you create more of a life for yourself without her.

By using these steps, she will be forced with a choice to make. If she wants you to be her friend, then she has to respect your boundaries. But, on the other hand, if she realizes through your distance that she wants to try to be with you romantically, then there you go! You’re one step closer to being a monogamist.

2. Don’t give her all of your time and attention

Another way to get out of the friend zone when you are face to face is to not devote all of your attention to her. Say you’re are a bar, party, or any social gathering for that matter where she is there and there is the potential to meet another hot girl. You greet her, but you don’t linger and hang out together all night. This way you show her that you’re still friends, but that you want to meet other women, well because, she isn’t dating you, so you might as well try and find someone who will!

If you’ve tried my tips previously mentioned, and haven’t left the friend zone yet, one final piece of advice for graduating out of the friend zone is to actually go on dates with other women. Increase your dating value. That is to be seen as datable. We have a tendency to be pretty fickle dating nowadays. So the more other women date you or want to date you, chances are your friend will catch the bug too and want to date you.


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  • FYI: I tried using your Contact form on your website, but the CAPTCHA image on that page is broken. Even reloading the image doesn’t help. And with broken CAPTCHA image, there is no way to actually send a message. Thanks.

  • Dear Kate, I’m wrapped in your new video. As they say “you never get a second chance to make a first impression” . Grunge is a bit sloppy for this day and age, and I like to wear good clothes. I have a pair of hiking boots but I do not wear them out for dinner or to the Pub, but they are at the lower end of smart casual in terms of fashion. I think men should dress to highlight there best attributes IE; If they are fair skinned don’t wear red or black coloured shirts or jackets, if they have a good bum ( bottom ) don’t wear baggy jeans, wear a nice pair of snug fitting slacks. Also blue coloured tops go well with blue eyes, eye contact is important, so give the eyes support. I don’t know what men dress like in Canada but here in Australia I see to many men dressed like slobs ( not all ) but they hardly ever get off first base. Tell me Kate what do women like men to wear. Could be a topic? What do you think? All the best Bob.

    • Hey Bob,

      I think that it doesn’t so much depend on what you wear, but how you wear it. I think that everyone has their own unique style, but I also think that a sense of confidence comes with wearing clothing that makes you feel good about yourself and your body. There are also a lot of variables that contribute to how people dress: money, style, personal preference, etc. So I don’t like to get too prescriptive on what men should and should not wear. But I do think that some, not all, women appreciate a man who gets dressed well for her. It shows a certain amount of effort on a man’s part. One that makes a woman feel special.

      Thank you for your feedback,


  • Hello kate….
    I like a girl from last two months,we had jst meet once,but i really like her nd have feelings for her.but from her side i am seeing nothng,till date we dont have dat much of chating also,she alwys replies in short as possible.what should i do know to get her like me as i like her.i really want to make her my girlfriend.plz kate help me out.

    • Hey Rajiv! You should get her to talk about herself more when you get the chance to meet. Ask plenty of questions. Most of the time, it’s about making a connection and once that’s there… she’ll start to really open herself up to you.

  • Hey Kate! I just stumbled on to you and you seem pretty intuitive on relationships so here we go.
    I am in the friend zone in a very large way. My interest and I have very good and deep conversations and she says that I’ve scored really big because of some things we talk about. She also claims that she is telling me things about her that she has never told anyone!
    I believe have already been doing what you suggest but I just can’t seem to get the second date. She claims to always be busy. I am thinking the one subject that’s may be keeping her from moving on further with me is our difference in politics. She definatly sees my posts on FB about my opinions. Whenever we talk about political issues we both are able to be respectful to each other and I don’t try to convince her my beliefs, I just tell her how feel .
    Please help! Thanks!

  • Hi, Kate.

    As always you have very interesting videos.

    I’m trying to get out of the friend zone.

    She’s very fond of my company. She’s told me that many times.

    But every time I walk away, even a little, she tries to have a date whit me.

    The problem is that she says she’s not ready to have a relationship with anyone. But he also told me that we should wait and see how our relationship evolves.

    What’s your advice?

    • Hi Jorge! It sounds like she’s interested in you. Why don’t you keep spending time and having fun with her? And flirt whenever you get the chance. You already matter enough, so it won’t take that much more to get her to the next step. Good luck!

      • Hi Kate
        Thank you soo much for your advice. I’ll follow it.
        Maybe you can make a video about how flirt with a girl.
        Keep up the good work.
        All the best for you.

          • Hi Kate
            A strange thing happened.
            I was inviting her to hangout next weekend.
            Her response was something like: We already hangout last weekend. We’re just friends. I do not want you to have any expectations about our relationship. I’m not ready to have a relationship with anyone. You must not wait for me. People think that you are my boyfriend, but it’s not true.
            We had a conversation about it.
            I told her not to worry so much and live the moment. Let the relationship evolve naturally.
            She finally agreed (despite she continued to insist that she is not available for a relationship). She says we can continue to hangout together.
            Do you have any advice you can give me? Thank you for your time.

          • Hi Jorge! She obviously values you as a friend. For now, just keep having a good time with her when you hang out. If anything can change her mind about being in a relationship, it’s showing her that it’s not such a bad idea 😉

  • Hi,
    Really need some help with my ex….tried subscribing to coaching but says u r full.
    Please let me know if u can include me

    • Hey Sergio! Would love to help you but unfortunately, all of my coaching slot’s been filled so I’m not taking on new clients. I suggest you go and sign up to Brad Browning’s Ex Factor program. Brad’s a colleague and a good friend of mine and he can definitely help you better with years of experience behind him in the breakup field. He also offers 1 on 1 email coaching like I do and I hear he’s got a couple of slots open recently so I recommend you sign up before they also run out! You can know more about it here:

  • I’ve been best friends with her for 5 years (and have loved her for much longer) and last year we had a moment and we started dating. I totally sabotaged it and dumped her when I was unsure if I could be the man she was looking for. We’re still best friends and now months later I realize that I’ve made a huge mistake. A couple months ago I let myself be her rebound and after a month of casual romance I told her that I wanted her back, but she told me she doesn’t know if she can feel those kind of feelings for me again; she had to wall them off so we could be friends again. She told me that I overwhelmed her a bit with my confession and she needed space and that we can’t be so intimate anymore because she feels like it would be leading me on now that she knows I still have deep feelings. We still talk/text a ton every day and we have everything in common. Her best girlfriend thinks that I have a good chance at fixing this, but she’s been rooting for us since day one (all her friends have). Is there anything I can do to help her feel what she felt before I hurt her? If/when she finds someone else and gets into a serious relationship, we’re going to lose what we have. She still cares for me deeply, and is still obviously attracted to me…how can I help her see that I am the man that she’s looking for without overwhelming her?

    • Keeping in touch will only help her move on easier Matt. She has you where she wants you to be without having to worry about commitment. You really need to distance yourself as I mentioned so she’ll be forced to acknowledge her feelings instead of keeping you at bay.

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