How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

I’ve got a pretty serious topic to discuss today, one that I want to jump right into and that is how to get your ex-girlfriend back. A lot of people have contacted me seeking more guidance with this.

Step 1: Why You Broke up

The first thing that is important to understand and acknowledge is why your ex left you. There are so many reasons, and the first thing you need to do is seriously look at the relationship and take ownership for your actions or lack thereof.

Here’s a quick list of common reasons why couples break-up:

  • Poor communication skills.
  • Being complacent and routine.
  • Taking your partner for granted.
  • Cheating—yikes.
  • Inability to grow and evolve together.
  • You both want different things.
  • You stopped trying.

As you can see, there are many reasons why relationships end, and your ex might be lying about the reasons as to why she broke up with you. But I would say that the main reason why most couples split is due to a loss of emotional attraction. A loss of emotional attraction is not sexual. But sexual and emotional attraction are what distinguishes a romantic relationship from a friendship.

Once you can acknowledge your part in the decline of your relationship, then we can work on repairing it.

Basically, what I’m saying is don’t play the victim card. That gets you nowhere and leaves you as a victim of your own life. I can’t emphasize this enough. It takes two to tango, and if you aren’t dancin’, then look at your dance steps first.

Women tend to use the line, “It’s not you; it’s me,” when breaking up with their boyfriend. This kind of absolves you of any blame for your part in the relationship. But something happened or didn’t happen between the two of you that has caused her not to want to be with you anymore.

So your work begins with you. You have to become the best version of yourself and rebuild that attraction that you once had, but in a new way. Your ex doesn’t want a repeat of your relationship; she wants something new and different.

I need to clear something up before we get any further. Getting your ex back is not an overnight thing. It takes time.

Unfortunately, it’s not one simple text message to change your ex’s mind on the breakup. And you can’t do nothing there. This requires work. It is best to understand that going into it.

If you do commit to getting your ex back and you follow the rules correctly, you will reap the benefits! I promise you, because I’ve seen these steps work in practice. And you will be happier by the end of this.

Step 2: Month of Absence

Alright, step number two, once you have acknowledged that you played a part in the decline of your relationship, it is time to embark on the month of absence. That is where you refrain from contacting your ex for the period of about a month 29-31 days.
If you follow this rule, you will avoid the #1 mistake that most people make after a breakup, which is begging and pleading for your ex back.

Telling her that if she just gives you one more chance you will prove to her that you’re the best boyfriend. But I’m sorry to tell you that it’s too late and that your girl has lost her emotional attraction towards you and the rule of absence is the best way to reignite that emotional attraction and to make your ex desire you once again.

There is nothing more detrimental to getting your ex back than begging her and trying to change her mind in the heat of the breakup. Doing this can cause irreparable damage. And that’s the last thing that you want.

What is the rule of absence?

That’s a great question! I’m glad you asked it. The rule of absence is to be absent from your ex’s life for a period of about a month. Roughly 29-31 days. This step is without a doubt the most important step in getting your ex back. That means no phone calls, no texting, no emailing, no sliding into her

That means no phone calls, no texting, no emailing, no sliding into her DM’s, no matching with her on Tinder, no liking her Instagram pictures, no watching her Snap Chat stories, no commenting on her Facebook pictures or connecting through Facebook messenger. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.

This is the most important step because it lays the foundation for rebuilding your relationship with your ex. It’s like you wouldn’t build a house on weak foundation, would you? A house that would crumble at the first sign of a storm? You need to have a strong foundation when you want to revisit life with your ex. And that starts with yourself and not contacting her.

Your absence allows your ex to heal from the breakup and calm down about her feelings for you. Most importantly, though, is that this time allows for your ex to become lonely and miss you.

Contacting your ex for any reason at all is frowned upon. You’re thinking what if there is a death in her family that you know would devastate her? What if it’s her birthday? Well, okay, those warrant a message. One message. Not a long dragged out emotional exchange. “Sorry for your loss. I know how much so-and-so meant to you.” Or, “Happy birthday, hope you are well.”

If you feel that you must engage in this kind of talk, do not answer if she responds back. Encouraging conversation with her will only put you back in your attempt to get her back. Stay strong and resist the temptation to message her. Talking to her will only hurt your chances of getting back together.

Skeptical? Read this excellent article examining whether the “No Contact” strategy actually works.

Step 3: How to Stick to Your Month of Absence

How to actually not contact your ex after the breakup. I completely understand what it’s like to want to contact someone that you love, but you know you should give them some space. It makes not talking to them that much more impossible.

Your whole mood changes and the way you see the world gets dimmer.

You can’t eat or sleep or just enjoy the things that once made you happy. When your whole being is shattered from a breakup, and you can’t stop thinking about your ex, you need to change your thought patterns.
You can change your thought patterns by evaluating your thoughts, are they positive or negative and/or are they about your ex? If they are negative about yourself, your situation, your ex, or even sad, you need to change them to something positive.

The next step is to elevate them. Think of what makes you happy, make future plans, ones that don’t include your ex.
This is the time to look out for number one, yourself. If you don’t start to check the quality of your thoughts, the breakup will consume you. The mixture of emotions that comes with a breakup is futile to your happiness.

Step 4: Keep Good Company

Step number four in getting your ex back is to keep good company. This is also another good way to stop yourself from contacting your ex. Hang out with friends, family and people that lift you up with positivity, not those who bring you down and want to delve into the details of your breakup and give you their unsolicited advice

Taking advice from close friends and family is all well and good, but it is biased. So be with people that take your mind off of her, not ones that want to dwell on the breakup with you.

If you want advice on your breakup, it’s better to seek out an expert.

Dwelling on your breakup will only make you overanalyze the situation and make you paranoid or even mad and those are two states of being that you do not want to be in.

Step 5: Meet New People

The fifth step in getting your ex back is to meet new people. This is one of the hardest to wrap your head around just after a breakup.

After a breakup, you want the comfort of your friends and family wrapping you with warmth and good feelings. But the sooner you relinquish your safety blanket and get back out there the better off you will be and the quicker this process of getting your ex back becomes.

Meet new friends, are you in school? Try to make new friends in your classes. Do you have a job? Try to make friends with your co-workers. The opportunities are endless. You just need to take hold of them.

In meeting new people, there is another part to this that you need to do as well, and that is to start dating.

I know you might not be ready to hear this right now, but you need to start dating to see what else and who else is out there and take this opportunity to improve your game. I’m not saying that you should give up trying to get your ex back, but in being open to date new women, you might meet someone else with whom you really connect.  So leave that door open.

This is also a subtle way to incite a little healthy jealousy and let your ex know that you’re moving on from her. This is an important step.

Chances are that you and your ex have mutual friends? If your friends catch wind of you dating and doing really well, that information will most definitely get back to your ex and that’s going to make her want you, without a doubt.

Or if you are doing new activities and posting them on your social media, I can guarantee you that she will see these and be like, “WTF, why is he doing so well without me?”  And participating in more activities leads us to our next point.

Step 6: Exercise

Exercise. Exercise comes in many forms: hiking, dancing, running, going to the gym, yoga, boxing, etc. There are so many options. Exercise is a helpful component of changing the quality of your thoughts. Physical exercise improves not only your physical

Exercise is a helpful component of changing the quality of your thoughts. Physical exercise improves not only your physical well-being, but also, and more importantly, your mental well-being.

The benefits of exercise are endless. It promotes better sleep, helps with depression, and anxiety—if those are things with which you struggle. It eases stress, and it gives you more energy. All ingredients to a better and more fulfilled life. But most importantly, what exercise does is it makes you look and feel sexier and more confident. Looking good is one of the easiest and best ways to make your ex crazy with desire for you by just looking at you.
If you bump into your ex unexpectedly, don’t you want her to have that “WOAH! He got hot!” moment when she see’s you? As opposed to bumping into you with your cheeto dusted track pants on?

Don’t overlook this step. You want your ex to have that “WOW” moment when she sees you for the first time since the breakup.

In getting your ex back, during the rule of absence, you will have more free time now that you aren’t spending it on her. Exercise is a great way to occupy your time. Because during that period where you are not in contact with your ex, you want your ex to miss you, but you also want to become the best version of yourself.

If you’ve spent a month exercising and working on “sexifying yourself” when you bump into your ex, she will have that wow moment about you. She will see how well you have done since the breakup. This is what we want.

Example 1:

Take this scenario for example, Alexa and Tim dated for two years. Alexa grew very tired of Tim’s lack of communication skills and his resistance to trying new things with her.

Alexa, only 26, realized that she needed a partner, someone who would go out and explore the world with her, not someone to sit at home, smoke weed and play video games every day till midnight. So Alexa broke off the relationship. She was sad, as she still loved and cared for Tim, but she just loved herself more and couldn’t live in that rut any longer.

This devastated Tim. He continued to play video games till the wee hours of the night, and he tried to drink away his sorrows, which only made him more emotional and made him drunk text and call Alexa almost 4 times a week.

Tim did nothing beneficial to get Alexa back. And when Alexa ran into him at a mutual friend’s birthday party, Tim’s appearance showed that he had drank himself into a stupor and didn’t spend any time focusing on himself in the two months since the breakup.

Alexa felt sorry for him, not attracted to him. Doing nothing also prolonged the breakup for Tim. He was emotional, depressed and exhausted.

So when Alexa and Tim finally bumped into each other, Alexa didn’t have that, “Woah! He looks great!” moment. She had the “Oh shit, I gotta get out of here before Tim sees me” moment. This is not conducive to getting your ex-girlfriend back.

After a breakup, one of the hardest things to do is to give the girl that you love space. But that is exactly what she wants. And in order for you to get her back, you need to respect that space. Even if she says let’s be friends.

Example 2:

I had a client, Andrew. He contacted me right after his ex broke up with him, and he told me how she said she wanted to be friends. So Andrew said, “Alright, if we’re friends, let’s hang out right now.” And this is right as the breakup is happening. His ex was stunned. He said she got so nervous and awkward that it made her change her mind and say that she didn’t even want to be friends with him anymore and that she just had to leave.

I don’t blame her, that’s awkward as hell. I felt for Andrew though, because breakups hurt, and we all know that, but giving your ex space to grieve the relationship and calm down is the best thing you can do if you want her to miss you and somewhat romanticize the relationship you once had. Time and space allows for a lot of good things to happen.

Step 7: Re-introduce Communication

Alright, and the seventh step in getting your ex back is to reintroduce communication. That is, only once you have successfully completed a month of absence from your ex’s life and have not contacted her during that time.

I’m serious. Hold out. Don’t do two weeks and think you’re good to go. No, after two weeks your emotions are still fresh, but the full month gives you the most time to work on yourself. Okay?
texting a girl
Now that you’re feeling and looking your best, it’s time to build a bridge back to your ex. This is delicate, so don’t rush it. You want to be strategic and not come on too strong and to avoid looking desperate.

This is best done over text or some sort of chat(Facebook) that isn’t a phone call. You’re not asking your ex to Netflix and chill or inviting her over to make her dinner. No, your message should be something that made you think of her or asking her a question that reminds her of a fond memory that you shared.

For example, “Hey, do you remember how to get from downtown to that beach we stopped at a few months back? You know that super private one that we got lost on?”

This kind of text is perfect. It doesn’t probe into your breakup and doesn’t have an I miss you kind of sadness to it. It is upbeat and makes her think of a fond memory that the two of you shared. This also makes her think, “Who is he taking there?” This is where you start to get in.

Another text you could send is: “Hey, did you know that that restaurant with the mechanical bull finally opened? I know you were stoked about it. Lol.”

This shows that you remember interactions between the two of you.

You can’t jump into conversations with her saying, “I want to get back together with you.”  You want to avoid looking desperate, even if you are. It’s all about restraint.

You need to re-attract your ex. And you can’t do that by being her puppy dog. Avoid being overly nice to her either. This makes it seem like you’re trying too hard to be cordial and impress her. You want her to work a little bit too.

Alright, if she replies to you, then you’re in the gate. But, if she doesn’t, don’t worry, wait a week and revisit this. I’ll repeat. If she does not respond to your text, do not text her again. Wait a week before trying again with something different. Don’t blow up her phone and bombard her with messages. You will only be having a conversation with yourself. This will also make you appear thirsty for her attention and like you’re still not ready to do this.
Once she responds, it’s all about how to get her face to face. You do this by asking her for advice on something. Advice on work. “Hey, I’m having a hard time communicating with my boss, and I remember you went through a similar thing, mind helping me out with some of this HR documents. Coffee, my treat?”
Are you in school? It could be an easy homework question. Are you redecorating? Ask her to help you pick out a paint color that goes with your flooring. Or are you making travel plans? Ask her if you can pick her brain on that trip to Italy she took last summer.

Once you get her out for coffee or lunch, this is where you want to start rebuilding attraction. You have to start from scratch. So building attraction means that you show up being the confident version of yourself.  After all, you just spent the past month becoming the best and sexiest version of yourself. And, here, she will notice that.
Make sure to have strong eye contact, to touch her when appropriate. If you ease into touching her in just the right way, she will crave your touch. For example, if you both are leaving the coffee shop together, you can hold the door open with one hand and with your other hand you can place it on the small of her back and lead her out the door. Or if you’re sitting down next to her just playfully poke/ tickle her.

Remember to be playful and keep the mood light.
You want to tease her, make her crave your touch by giving it and taking it away. You want to build some sexual tension. And you can do that by bringing up positive memories of the two of you in a subtle way. Some of those memories should be of a sexual nature. That way you slowly plant the seed of being physical again.

Go in being funny and charismatic. Having a good sense of humor is key in re-attracting your ex. You want to make her feel good being around you. And making her laugh is the best way to do so.
I would avoid falling into old patterns too quickly. Your ex broke up with you and she doesn’t want a repeat of what happened. She is most likely hanging out with you to see if you’ve changed and that spark is still there. Thankfully, for you, that spark can be fabricated through what you do and say. So what you say and how you say it becomes very important. It’s flirting with her, and teasing her through touch. Giving a little and taking it away. You want to create a desire in her to be around you and touched by you.

Step 8: Move to an Intimate Setting

Now that you have your ex feeling good about you again, then you can move onto the next step. And that step is to move things to a more intimate setting.

This is where you could invite her over to see how well the paint job turned out. Or invite her over to cook her dinner as a thank you for helping you with whatever favour you asked of her.

Did you spend your time apart learning how to cook? Now would be a good time to show off all that you learned by wowing her mouth and blowing her mind with a delicious meal.
Having an intimate date at your house is the perfect setting to rekindle the physical romance between you two. And thankfully, since you have already had sex before, it won’t be too difficult to get her into bed with you again.

If she wants to be intimate with you, go for it. But make sure it’s a physical intimacy that she enjoys. And by physical intimacy I mean sex.

To get your ex back you need to break the barrier and to reignite the passion that you once had at the beginning of any new relationship.
Physical intimacy means something different for women than it does for men. So do your research. Be prepared. This is your second chance. So after you have made the best of yourself, make the best of your chance, and remember that the happiest people are not those that have the best of things, they are the ones that make the best of what they have, that is, themselves and their chances.
Alright you guys,  that’s all I have for you, happy rekindling!


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  • Hello, I guess i can share some information around my situation. My gf and I split almost two weeks ago after almost 4 years together. This was not a decision that she came to lightly. After 4 years we had racked up some resentment and some issues which caused us to be withdrawn from one another. In this window of time, she graduated vet school, I bought a house that was more specifically for her than me which turned out to be a huge mistake and reason for some resentment. She is originally from Florida and I am from Mississippi (where her vet school was). Her first job after graduation in Mississippi, was terrible and she brought those feelings home daily. She was used to having inside dogs which was foreign to me but I agreed to try to deal with it. I wanted things to work. She worked in this job for a year and then got an offer to move to Florida (12 hour drive away). We discussed move and I decided that she should what would make her happy as I figured she would resent me if I told her I would rather her not go. I packed her up and moved her down to Florida and then we proceeded to travel back and forth a couple times a month. We had made the agreement that I would work to sell my house and move to Florida this August. We have had a couple of rough months and argued a lot about the isle relocation, the fact that she wants 4 dogs, and wants to breed 1 litter or dogs per year. May 10th we were talking and I had planned a flight to go down May 20th to help her move into a new house she purchased. She told me to cancel the trip because she was coming to MIssissippi the day I was planning to fly down. I asked her what she was coming to tell me since she has not made a trip to Mississippi since last November. She said that relationship was dead and that I was putting out all of the effort and she didn’t want me to continue that. She said she was not willing to put any more effort into this and was not sure why. She could not prioritize me over the dogs or even equal to them and she could not figure out why. She said the relationship is done. I am not sure what caused this reaction at this point. She went from inviting me down to a concert the week before to ending the relationship. I don’t know the catalyst. I have stopped communication with her 2 days later because I decided I would send flowers as a happy. She said she was not changing her mind. I feel that I was not the man she deserved the last few months or possibly for longer than that. I know what I meant to do but I just feel like the resentment built up and never went away until the break. I realize that the situation of being agitated over the dogs was really insignificant next to our relationship. I am so lost without her. I was ready to leave my home and family to be with her. Now I am not sure what to do. I feel that I can be the man that she wants and needs. I am not sure how to show her. I know that I can not help the relationship right now. Which was one of the huge reasons for no contact in my case. I hope that you can help. Let me know what I need to do to get some direction.

    I have looked at several programs on the internet and I like your message a lot!! It is possibly the best one.

    • Hey there, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I think that some space is what you two need. I would recommend a 30 day no contact period. This time will allow you to get some clarity and will also allow her the time to miss you and realize what she gave up. From there, the best course of action would be to read up on some of Brad Browning’s material on the subject. He has some very detailed steps to get your girlfriend back. Here is an article that pertains to your situation. All the best, Kate.

    • My girlfriend of 6 years just broke up with me . She takes full responsibility as she said its her not me. She also said she didn’t see us getting married. Im on day two of no contact. What happens if she contacts me and if I follow all the rules do you think I still have a chance

      • Heyy jason !!! What a surprise the exact same thing happened for me two weeks before and im on no contact for about one week but she called day before yesterday to tell her exams results. There after no contact again. I want to know how things going on now and any positive move of getting her back ??? 🙂

    • You are so right! It is by no means easy, but it is extremely effective in getting your ex back! It gives both you and your ex time and space to settle down from your emotions and maybe miss one another.

  • I don’t want to go into too much detail about my situation but I might end up doing so lol. So my girlfriend and I broke up (she ended it) and it’s been like 2 months since the breakup. We talked after the breakup for a bit and when we saw eachother we still ocassionally did boyfriend and girlfriend things such as holding hands, kissing, hugging and so on (just small things like that). But it was a weird back and forth and eventually we just stopped talking. I’ve been doing everything on the list so far and recently I just finished going 30 days with no contact and I sent her one of those example messages. She hasn’t responded which I suppose has made me a bit nervous because I know that she may be talking to other people and all that. I will admit that i unfortunately found this website after doing some things I shouldn’t have done like promising to change and all that. I do know that she’s talked about me because I got into a small accident about 2 weeks back and I know she seemed worried since she was asking a lot of questions about what happened when a friend told her and I like to think that overall my chances are at an okay spot. So what I’m asking for is just some sort of advice or thoughts on what I should do or my chances on these steps actually working for me and helping me fix things.

    • Hey Carlos, Sorry to hear about your accident. I hope the recovery is going well!

      In terms of your ex, has she contacted you directly after your accident? If she hasn’t, that means she probably isn’t ready to talk considering she couldn’t even reach out after.

      I would try another two week no contact period and use a different text message than the one you originally used. Other than that, I would suggest trying to move on. It seems like she might need some more time to heal or just to deal with her own feelings and emotions.

      All the best,


  • Hey Kate, my ex used to reply my texts but suddenly she ignored me completely. What should I do? I followed all the steps you gave but haven’t ask her out yet.

  • Hi, my ex boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me totally out of blue and claimed it was because he was unhappy for quite a while. 3 weeks before that, I was accepted into school in Memphis, TN where he wanted to go to medical school, where he was not accepted. It is hard for me to believe that he was unhappy considering he stayed in it for that (and he was obviously happy when I was putting out).
    On top of that, I found out after the break up that I was pregnant and then I miscarried and didn’t tell him or anyone about it while any of this was happening. I did the crazy ex girlfriend thing and showed up at his house unannounced to try and give him some stuff back when he wouldn’t respond to my texts as to meet up so I could give him some of his stuff back and to talk some things out as a part of my counseling.
    I sent him a letter about a month ago telling him about the pregnancy and miscarriage. He did not respond at all. The last time I spoke with him on the phone was at the end of May and I messaged him on facebook yesterday to let him know that I am sorry for my actions and that I was accepted into physical therapy school at the place where he wanted to go to medical school. I don’t want him finding out about my life from other people. I asked him to let me know if he got the message but no response. it said that it was read but i am not sure if he deleted it.
    I am tired of being tired. People tell me that I need to check myself into an institution because I am crazy. and I start school in about a month and I need some closure before I start school. I would like to address the pregnancy and the miscarriage and why he won’t do that I am not sure. I have tried to find closure and make peace of mind about everything that has happened on my own but the questions and concerns I have are ones he can only answer. I would really like to sort this stuff out and hopefully reconcile with him. Please help me get him back.

    • I’m really sorry to hear about everything that’s happened. I know how much you want to settle things before you start going to school… but based on what you wrote, I don’t think your ex is willing at this moment. And the more you try to communicate with him now, the more he’ll distance himself from you. I know it won’t be easy, but for now you should fully enforce the rule of absence. Show him what it really means to no longer have you in his life. Eventually, it’ll be easier for you to get him back if you give him the space that he needs for now. I hope everything works out for you 🙂

  • Hello, I’m going to make this short as possible. Me & my ask dated for about 4 1/2 yes. We also have a 3 year old. I proposed to her last May, she accepted. We went to Walt Disney last July we had a disagreement the last day & she broke it off when we got back home. Its been a super ruff journey.We some what starting working things out in Dec, Jan , Feb and then she just went back to her old ways. We started talking again we spent the 4th together as a family, we even scheduled a trip to Disney Land this August. Now she has change her mind again & said she has not forgiven me. I really want to raise my Lil one in happy two parent house hold, but I do also know at some point I have to let go. She so damb up & down. She is so coco over this girl from 4yrs that I exchange numbers with & she found the girl number in my phone. Could you help?!

    • Hi DM! I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I know you may not want to hear this, but you need to give her time to think about what it really means to no longer have you in her life. Apply the rule of absence. It will also give you a chance to more rationally look at things and work on yourself. Even if you get back together now, you’d probably be trapped in the same cycle which simply won’t do if you want a lasting relationship with her.

  • My fiancee and I broke up about two months ago. We are both senior citizens. I did not initially follow the no contact rule, but I have now for about two weeks. The planned date of our wedding was to have been September 16 (about three and a half weeks into the no contact period. Is that an appropriate time to contact her with a short message to the effect of how disappointed and sad we both are on that date? Wish her happiness and peace? Or should I not contact her yet? I like your style. It is the best relationship advice I have found on the Internet.

    • I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup Alex. I think it’s alright for you to send her a short message on the 16th, but remember… you have to keep it simple. The less emotional your message is, the better. For now, your focus should be on your own recovery and your own goals. I appreciate your feedback by the way. I wish you the best of luck!

  • Hi, Kate!
    I have been in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years; which ended about 2 months ago. She broke it off with me, because of many of the excuses you mentioned. We did not communicate well about our problems, she needs space, and focus on ourselves. She felt as if our relationship was rushed. We both graduated universities , but haven’t found our ideal jobs. We both helped each other out financially, but she was also stressed from work and financially by herself. She is the love of my life, and I consider her to be the “the one” because I was going to purpose to her on our anniversary, but it was too late. The break up came out of the nowhere, and brought us both into tears. After a week into the break up..
    She begins saying and doing things to push me away from her. Saying things like “I don’t love you anymore” or “Shes following her heart, where the feelings are gone”. She would leave in the middle of the night without telling anyone, nor who she is with. She told me that she could not live under the same roof as me, that’s why. The break up pretty much came out of nowhere to make decisions to find somewhere else to live, but we eventually moved out separately. Through the month I found out I developed anxiety because of it. Not knowing, where she is, who’s shes with, what she’s doing, etc. Which caused me to hit rock bottom for a bit, because everyone can see how badly I was taking the break up. We still talk and text from time to time occasionally, like as if nothing happened. Apparently she moved on according to her sister. I am extremely close to her family, and friends. Everyone thought we were going to get married. Could have happened, but no. Everyone thought there was a third party involved, to cause the break up. We don’t want to assume.
    It is Sept. now I been working, hitting the gym, and got back in school. We still talk from time to time, but I feel like it is not going anywhere. She is the most STUBBORN there is. No 2nd chances for me, it’s not even in her vocabulary. She does not believe in 2nd chances, but I doubt it in someway. When she already out her mind to it, it’s over. I have not given the rule of absence a whole month, but only 1 week. It’s hard to avoid her because we go do the same hobbies, gym, events, friends, and special occasions such as weddings. I do not want to just be friends. I love her way too much to give up and move on so easily like she assumed she did. I have been focused on myself, but she is always there in some form of way.
    What is the best thing I could do to win my ex back?

    • I’m sorry to hear about your situation James. This is probably not want to hear right now, but you have to consider going into no contact for at least an entire month. A week is hardly enough to give your ex time to think about what it really means to no longer have you in her life. Since she is stubborn like you said, you can’t change her mind by being around her. If there are places where you can’t avoid seeing her, then you can say hello, but you don’t need to linger either. And if you give her space, it will also help you recover emotionally.

  • Hi Kate,

    my ex and i have broken up a month ago , kissed but no sex for 1-2 more encounters after that, but have remained in contact for abit until now. Mainly very general logistics. longest we have been in no contact for was about a week.
    she said she wanted to grab some stuff from mine but i said im quite busy recently, maybe some time next week or so over a cup of coffee.
    she agreed and said over coffee sounds good, however after that she called me, saying that she hopes that i dont have any false hopes, because she doesnt want to be the one causing me sadness etc, i just replied in the most cool way possible, saying yeah ive already accepted the break up and working on myself now. shes not in a rush to have those things back, is it too late to implement no contact now?

    • I’m sorry to hear about your breakup John. It’s not too late to start no contact yet. Since you’ve already talked about it with your ex, you can meet up over coffee and give her back her stuff if she brings it up again. Let her take the initiative. But you should get started on no contact now. It will give her a chance to miss you and seriously make her think about what the breakup means.

  • Hey kate….
    I’m shekhar
    Help me yaar.. Its been around 6 months of our break up… I did no contact period for around 2 months.. Den I started talking.. Initially she was talking well.. Infact she used to feel covert jealousy.. Nd one day she asked me to whom I’m going to date.. one day she was asking to meet kajal who is my fnd.. But she thinks tht she is my new gf.. Den I said her tht kajal is my bestie.. Nd nothing else.. Den after dat she started to give hot nd cold treatment.. One day she talk very nicely.. She started flirting on other day she doesn’t even reply.. One day I asked her to meet dat day she was excited.. she took initiative nd said we will go for movie nd all.. But on the day of meet suddenly she cancelled the plan.. Nd didn’t come..
    Dis is the situation.. What should I do.. Plz help me.. Explain in brief

    • I’m sorry to hear that Shekhar. I would suggest you try texting her again after a week. I have a feeling she’ll reach out to you before the week is over, and that’s okay. The point is, don’t try to set up another meeting too soon or you will seem desperate.

      • Or kate is it hopeless situation.. Should I moved on.. Or try my best to get her back.. Is der a chances… Sometimes she talks well.. She felt jealous when I was wid my fnd but sometimes she even doesn’t respond. Didn’t call back.. But one thing is sure she is single..
        Wht should be my strategy kate.. Help me.. Dis time elaborate ur strategy for dis situation

  • Hey Kate I would love your help. Me and my ex were dating for 6 months. I made a mistake and was making plans to meet up with someone else. I never did it but just planning it I understand was enough to make me lose my girlfriend. I have contacted her and she has said we can be friends but she can’t see us dating again. I have had time to think and I really have accepted my responsibility for my actions and truly have learned my lesson. I still love her and miss her tremendously. I need your help for what to do in my circumstance to get her back.

    • Hi there! I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. I think you need to give your ex some space for now. Apply the rule of absence and give her a chance to miss you. If anything can make her realize what it really means to lose you, that’s plenty of space.

  • I want to ask something when u said she will think ‘Wtf, how can he do better without me’
    Just a fear if she takes that negatively and start to date or start her life to show me that she also can be better without me where she actually is thinking about me before she saw my status or pic that I upload.

    • There is the possibility of that happening. But think of the alternative. If you keep being needy, you’d most likely end up pushing her away. Then you’d totally ruin your chances of getting her back.

  • My girlfriend and I just broke up 5 days ago. We are both 17 and have been dating for 3 years. She ended it because she needed to “find herself”. I was wondering how I should act during the no contact period while at school. She sees my and least once maybe more times in the hallways. Do I act confident and make her think I’m okay without her in my life? I really love her and want her back so bad. Please help.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your breakup Riley. When you see her in the hallway, smile and say hello! Show her that you’re a strong person with or without her and she’ll start to wonder why she broke up with you in the first place. Good luck!

  • Hey kate, when she broked up with me I plead and begged her but she told me to be friend forever. After watching no contact strategy I followed it. She was started pursuing me after a week one day she messaged me that my mom is so serius I need money, please please please help me and sended me her account number as well. I messaged her that I do not have money but I will try to arrange If your mom is too serius. I was unable to arrange. Then I send her an apology test. But then I also called her. She was looking so happy that time as nothing was happened. she said me that she has arranged the money.
    And then no message no like no calls from her side.
    Now please suggest me what to do know. Should I give up or is there any hope

  • Hey Kate this is Riley again. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since my break up. I heard from meutral friends that my ex has been snapchatting a lot of guys. And they all seem to be a group of guys I do not like and are like complete opposite of me. I was wondering if I should be worried about this ruining my chances to get her back after no contact or just be worried at all? Maybe even a reason why she is doing what she is doing?

    • I’m sorry to hear about your breakup Riley. She probably misses you, so she’s trying to get attention from other men. You shouldn’t let it bother you too much. If you’re already applying the rule of absence, just keep working on yourself. The more independent you are now, the more attractive you will be in her eyes.

  • Hey I lost my girl friend due to she experiencing me as clingy and needy something regrettably I realized is a great attraction killer we Brooke up two days ago and on the day after being I couldn’t really stop myself from doing the classical begging to get back thing I hope there’s still a chance for me as i’ve just seen the “no contact” period theory and have decided to try it

    • I’m sorry to hear about your breakup Casper. You may still have a chance. But yes, you should cut off communication for now and give her some space. I wish you the best of luck!

  • Hi Kate, my girlfriend of over 6 years broke up with me before thanksgiving, i just started the no contact now because she is done getting her things from our house. I am going to try your no contact for a month but I dont know if i can do it with Christmas and new years coming up as we have spent the holidays together for 6 years. Is it appropriate to tell her Merry Christmas and then again in a week tell her happy new year? Or should i just try my hardest to have no contact for the whole month?

    • Hi Matt! I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. It will be a huge adjustment not communicating with your ex… but you should cut off all communication for now. It’s not easy, but it will help you both 🙂

      • Thank you Kate, it is very difficult to not talk to her as we were pretty inseparable for 6 years, i will do my best to keep to the no contact. How do I know when i should reconnect? And how do I go about it. This is tearing me apart
        Thank you

  • Hey i recently came out of a short term realationship yet i got this sense that if it wasnt for me being way to pushy the first time those wery Nice feelings we had at the start could have continued. I find myself hoping that i might be able to create a second chance i already put fourth the no contact rule mainly cause i don’t realy like to be around somebody who proudly states how free they are withouth you right after telling a friend of you they don’t like ebing single etc. the first week after break up had a lot of mixed signas that was clearly visible now i bet if i’d try to analyze the situation theres no signs of mixed singals or regret. would it still be bad of me to consider trying to get her back again?

  • My girlfriend breakup with me and not taking my phone calls and replying my messages. So I decided to go to no contact rule but the problem is we work on same place. Will my no contact rule work. Also next will I will complete 21 days of no contact and after it it’s birthday what should I do. Should I extend my no contact or wish her birthday.

    • Hi Ryan! That’s alright. But just keep the interaction with her to a minimum. No contact can still work in that case. However, I would suggest that you do it for at least a month. You can send her a quick happy birthday, and just continue no contact.

      • Hi Kate it’s 25 days I am in no contact. She seems little upset. Now should I maintain my no contact or prepare for a come back as valentine’s day is ahead.

        • Hey Ryan! You’re almost there! Her being upset isn’t exactly a bad thing. She could be just missing you. Just focus on the positive communication when you finally get to talk to her and don’t forget to bring up some fond memories to reignite that spark. Good luck! 🙂

  • Hi Kate, useful and thought provoking video. Broke up with my lady in Nov 17. I’ve broken all your rules as far as contacting her and asking her to come back. So much so that she blocked me on Fb, Messenger, email, WhatsApp and text. Infact everything so I wrote to her instead. She has now unblocked email
    and text messaging and replies to my messages with one or two word answers but has told me she has made a decision not to come back to me and is adamant she won’t change her mind. Our breakup was over a silly argument which was my fault. I’ve apologised and except it was my fault. She asked for space but I ignored her and have kept in touch. Do you think the no content period of 30 days still work as it’s already been 2.5 months apart although I stopped the begging for forgiveness and pleading for her return in December 17. She has agreed to go out together but only as friends. We are in our 50’s and have been together 3.5 years

    • Hi David! I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Cutting off communication now might still help you get her back. You need to show her what value you bring to her life so she will have a better appreciation of you. But the decision to get back together with you must come from her.

  • Hi Kate, thank-you for your advice. I’ll continue with the no contact plan for
    the 30 day period as you advise and take it from there although as hard as it’s seems my gut feeling now tells me it’s time to forgive forget and move on perhaps…

  • Hey Kate, my girlfriend (26) and I (28) broke up a few days ago. We dated for 20 months. We were on a break starting beginning of January where we had minimal contact with each other. I texted about once a week to ask how she’s doing and if she wants to talk. Hindsight it was stupid. Our break stemmed from poor communication that lasted a few months and her saying she doesn’t know how she feels about me anymore. Also the stress of life events, new jobs, and grad school and family hospital visits. But anyway, she broke up with me through text citing she thought it was rude I hung out with her best friends fiancé to watch the eagles game and hanging out with a mutual friend for his birthday. She says, it made people uncomfortable. I responded, I got invited to watch the eagles game and took a guy out for his birthday. If they didn’t want to go then they could of said something. She said please stop, I can’t do this and to not contact her best friends fiancé again. I just left the convo there. We haven’t talked since. I’m assuming no contact for a month or 2, but just trying to get a fresh perspective.

  • In a tough spot. She broke up with me. I did everything wrong for about a month. She blocked my number. My girlfriend said she would never get back with me ever again or speak to me. I met her in person one last time. She called me that night i didnt answer. Then she called me the week after. We spoke for a few hours i asked her out again she said no. Got mad told her not to speak to me again. Any advice?

      • Hi Robert! I’m sorry to hear about everything that’s happened. 2 months sounds like enough time… so I think you’re ready to reach out to her again. Only this time, you have to make sure to keep your emotions in check so you don’t end up pushing her away permanently. Good luck!

  • Hi Kate,

    I initated a contact after 3 weeks of me not contacting, but few times she has contacted. And here is what went on and I started with something that we always talked about, that I remember february to be ok month weatherly wise but she always said it´s terrible: (by the way we are not from the same country, she is not native like me)

    Me: It looks like you know more about the weather in february than a native…. wtf!! (smiley wink)

    Her: Hahaha

    Her: Because it´s my favorite weather (LOL smiley)

    Me: And apparently your favorite month

    Her: That’s for sure!!!

    Me: It will be today, again….waterfall…….But after that it should be slow rest of the month……..fingers crossed
    Her: Yes…I know

    Her: Hopefully (fingers crossed emoji)

    Me: You been able to go to work?

    Her: Yes…because on Wednesday the bad weather started at 7…and today I’m off (smiley)

    Me: How is it going looking for another job?…Or not looking around?

    Her: Good… I’m gonna move to main stores..the same shifts but different starting hours

    Me: that´s nice, what hours 8-17
    Her: Gonna check if it will be better for me….
    Her: No
    Her: From 9-21…or 10-22….or 11-23
    Me: so you gonna go back working in evenings…..but actually better then waking up at 3 in mornings!!!!!

    Her: Yes…it’s better than woke up in the middle of the night

    Me: Hahaha

    Her: Yes for sure

    Me: I saw the other day they are advertising my old position

    Her: So probably “name of person” was really good…or to small salary

    Me: No, it was advertise temporary because of maternity leave, she is probably pregnant

    Me: not probably, if it is maternity leave, she definitely is pregant….dumbass

    Her: Hahahahah

    Me: I think I saw your old car the other day….what was it number?

    Her: I think something xxxxx

    Her: Don´t remember

    Me: ok, then it was not it

    Her: Yes because the person who bought it was from country side

    Me: So they were just gonna drive it in the country town?

    Her: I think so

    Me: never gonna drive to the city

    Her: I don’t know

    Her: (Lol smiley with tears) x3

    Me: I am teasing you….sarcasm

    Me: I have to go on a meeting, talk soon

    Her: Ok (blushing smiley)

    Ok, my question is, do I wait for her to reach out next or should I wait for few days?

    thanks in advance.

    • Hi Joey, nice going! It not gonna be a problem if you reach out to her. Just give it a few days in between and keep things casual. Don’t rush things. Avoid apologizing or mentioning the past, or anything that might trigger any negative emotions from her. Just remind her of the good times you shared together every now and then and you’ll do just fine. Good luck!

  • Hey so no contact worked for me. She called me after I reached out via facebook. I can get her to meet with me but I think it’s best at this point to just keep things casual for a while until I finish settling down with a job and become the complete sexier version of me. Will I lose her If I don’t go get her now and wait a couple months?

    • Sounds great Tom! And yes, it’s best not to rush things for now and keep it casual. You just have to keep her interested and wondering with what’s going on with your life. Keep her craving for your attention and remember to be in control! 😉

  • Hi Kate as you know we work at same place and just front of me so we see each other 100 times a day. Not able to apply no contact rule properly. Two months in no contact but not working as both are at same place. But whenever I text her in urgent no reply from her. In a month we will not be together, so should I wait to be apart when she will feel it or everything in her seems dead for me. I can’t take her rigid nature of not texting back or receive emergency call. What she want. I am not well and can’t focus on my personal life and career which is not good for me.

    • Well Ryan, No Contact doesn’t mean you have to disappear completely. You can still apply this even if you see her everyday by keeping things casual and conversations to a minimum. Show her you’re doing great and you’re emotionally stable even after the breakup, and she’ll start to have doubts if breaking up with you was the right decision. It’s harder than the regular No Contact but you can still use this to your advantage!

  • Hi Kate,

    Just broke up with a short term relationship which I very much enjoyed. I am glad I stumbled on your website so as to deploy the 30 day no contact and follow your steps too :). We did have an emotional connection and chemistry etc and she did relate that to me when she broke it off. I won’t say what her issue was but believe it is something that will get resolved and am confident that when she sees this…it may pique her interest again in me. My question therefore, within that 30 day no contact…will she really be thinking/missing me? I also have some of her belongings…suppose I discreetly drop them off after the 30 days and/or be funny and ask what I will do with the stuff…lol.

    No matter really as I am excited to be the better version of me as you suggest…I like the message. Thanks.

    • Definitely Ben. That’s one of the main purpose of the rule of absence. It’s designed to give her enough time and space to get rid of whatever issues she’s got with you. Sure, yours was just short-term, but maintaining no contact will also make her wonder what could he possibly be doing right now? You see, most people will be begging to get back together at this point. Not you. You need to better than “most people”. You need to give her a taste of what life would be like without you. After no contact, you’ll surely have a better chance of winning her back 🙂

  • My girlfriend broke up with me last weekend, I’ve tried to give her space to no avail. I texted her and apologized for being a pest and her reply was you’re not bothering me it’s ok. I’m getting mixed messages and I’m really confused as to what she’s thinking. Should I try the 30 days of no contact ?

    • You should definitely do it as soon as you can CB. Doing the rule of absence will not only make your ex miss you, but it will also give her a taste of what life would be like without you. The time away from each other would also allow her to forget, or at least cool down with any negative feelings she’s got for you. You’ll get a better chance of winning her back after a month of no-contact and you can take it from there 🙂

  • Kate,

    Thank you for the video and tips. I did the absolute worst thing by begging and pushed her away even further. The main reason for this is she was the person that was there for me during the worst moment in my life (younger brother killed) and I guess I expected her to always be that person for me. I am in the no contact phase and have seen the errors of my ways. Have my actions irreparably harmed reconciliation?

    • Hey PJ! Trust me, I’ve heard worse things than what you did. For now, just make sure you stick with the no contact for at least a month. This will allow her to calm down with any negative feelings she’s got for you. You can also use this time away from each other to work on yourself so she’ll see a brand new and better version of yourself when you finally get to meet again 🙂

  • hi kate,

    my girl just broke up with 3 days ago after she wentr trough my phone and saw that i was texting with some girls, but i wouldn’t have cheated on her. i feel very sad and just want her back in my arms. before i found this post ive already send her lots of texts saying i was sory and dumb and wanted her back in my arms. i’ve really hurt her and she blocked me on whatsapp, messenger, snapchat and doesn’t answer my texts. so yesterday i went to her house and saw her leaving with one of her girlfriends and i went after her to talk but she flipped and ran away. now that i’ve read this i just hope i didn’t already ruin my chances of getting her back. should i just go into the month of absence now or do you think i’ve already fucked it up?



    • Sorry to hear that. I have to be completely honest with you and let you know that your chances aren’t looking good after all that begging and texting. A desperate and needy ex isn’t exactly the kind of description women would want to come back to. I’m not saying everything’s too late for you, but you need to start the rule of absence as soon as possible so she’ll have the chance to heal with the breakup and forget all the negative feelings she’s got for you. You can then work on rebuilding your relationship after at least a month of no contact. Good luck!

  • hi, kate,
    before I start dating my girlfriend she was the one chasing me asking my sisters about my
    social media username, but I later be the one to add her, we started our conversation and I later ask her out
    to be my girlfriend, she was nervous to reply to me and she said she will think about it, 2 hours later she said yes, and we both went to the gym that same day, ( we are both in the same school, same bus, same seat)
    weeks go by and everything starts changing her hug begins to whak, she doesn’t want to kiss me, whenever i move close to her she pushes me back, and she later told me can we just be friends, I apologize to her, and i said NO I have a lot of friends, and we stop talking since then,
    and I don’t know what to do…..

  • Hi Kate,

    I’ve been dating this girl (co-worker) for a year or so, but we weren’t in an official relationship. A while back after we had a fight in which I told her maybe we need some time off from each other so that maybe we can be clear about our feelings for each other. After that, we decided to keep in contact, but then things went out of control with me looking a bit desperate trying to salvage our relationship, after which we got into another fight because of that. Even though I apologized to her regarding my behavior, I guess it’s too late. Now the situation currently is she will ignore my attempts at casual conversation, and only reply if it’s official work stuff. To her, it’s her definition of “normal friends’.

    Honestly, I don’t know what I can do, except to just give her space hoping she’ll forget all the negativity. Cause I feel that anything I say or do now she’ll just be more biased and turned off. Is there’s anything left that I can do to improve the situation?

  • Hi Kate!
    All the article looks very solid and today will be my day 1 of absence. However, I do have a question since she started dating someone else before she broke up with me but it seems she is not that into him, it might be just a rebound? I’m not sure but I do want to try and win her back.

    I do know my poor communication and attention drove her away, I had already started working on myself mainly for me but I do wish I could get back with her. Do you think her relationship with this other guy is a definite end to ours? He is hotter than me (for now) but is waaay younger, inexperienced and I’m not sure what they even talk about but she chose him.

    In the end, all I really want is her happiness and I’m really confused, did I drove her to be with him or is he really the best person for her?

    I’ll work on my month of absence (already dreading it) and I’ll see how it feels and if her new relationship is doing well.

    • Sorry to hear about the breakup Hector. A relationship she got into after the breakup-which is called a rebound-is entirely different with cheating, which is a relationship she got before she broke up with you. All the same, you should do the rule of absence so you won’t make the situation worse and let make her realize that a man of worth like you isn’t someone who’ll chase her around, and that you can easily move on with your life. If she sees all this positivity from you, she’ll be more inclined to get re-attracted and that’s gonna increase your chances of winning her back.

      • Well, talking to some people it seems that it had been going on before she broke up with me. He is a good friend of her best friend who was encouraging them to be together.

        I travel a lot for work and last year I was offered a very good position in Peru, we discussed it and decided I should go, she was going to follow as soon as she ended her degree but there were some complications and couldn’t. I came back but she was already being weird… I really don’t care about the other guy, it might have been my fault for being absent for so long that it drove her to his arms but now I’m hurt about the lies.

        I DO want to try again with her but I’m just scared I have lost all opportunities because her attention is elsewhere… maybe on step 5, I’ll find someone. I’m restarted my routine of exercises, have taken my first meditation lesson and am working on me.

        Wish me luck.

    • You can send a short birthday greeting, but that’s it. No long and emotional speeches that can trigger negative emotions. Keep it simple and short, and then resume the rule of absence.

    • Not necessarily. A month is enough, but you start counting from the last time you contacted your ex. This means you’ll have more than a month of no contact if you did your begging within the 31 days.

  • so It’s been about 15-16 months since the last time we even chatted and about 20 months since the breakup, I know it’s a long time but does this count as rule of absence ? is this better or has she completely forgotten about me,

    I’ve tried about 5 times from the breakup until that last time

    the periods between the tries were 5 days , 1 month , 16 days, 40 days, and 25 days respectively, all of which she responded badly and rightfully so because I was begging for one more chance etc.. little did I know that this actually does more bad than good.

    I know that you’ll probably say just forget about her and move on but if there is any 1% chance of success or that the 16 months of absence will help me in anyway please let me know.

    • Yes, I have to be honest and say that it’s actually better for you to move on at this point. However, taking your chance no matter how small it is, is something I completely understand. You just have to take a different approach. No more begging this time around. Watch this video and use the Reminder Text I talked about in around 3 minutes into the video. Here’s the link:

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