Text Messages to Send Your Ex (and Win Her Back)

A lot of people have been contacting me to help them get their ex back. So I thought I would deliver the goods! Some of you might have already read my more in-depth article on how to get you ex back. But, today, I have an article that is solely devoted to texting your ex back. I’m going to outline a few text messages to send to your ex-girlfriend to win her back. So let’s get started.

“For the vast majority of cases, your best chance at winning your ex back will involve using “No Contact.”
Brad Browning, Breakup Expert

Okay, so first of all let’s cover some things to avoid when texting your ex. First, avoid texting her right after the breakup. This is one of the biggest texting mistakes you can make.

Give her and yourself some room to breathe. Don’t blow up her phone with sappy messages saying how much you miss her or beg her to take you back! Avoid sending her mean messages telling her that you never loved her anyways or that she isn’t all that pretty and that you prefer your ex before her. This is just adding fuel to the fire and will make getting back together that much more difficult.

Avoid the how’s it going text. You know, “Hey, how have you been?” text.  That’s a dull and forgettable message that she will probably skim over and one that warrants a one-word answer. In order to get your ex back, you need to excite her again. You need to create that feeling that if she doesn’t hear from you soon, she will scream, if not cry!

The next thing to cover is when to text your ex and that is ideally after you have completed a one month period of no contact. The rule of absence.

What is the rule of absence?

I’m glad you asked. I’ll briefly outline it for you. The rule of absence is to become absent in your ex’s life for a period of about a month or so where you have zero contact with your ex.

That means no phone calls, no texting, no emailing, no sliding into her dms, no matching with her on Tinder, no liking her Instagram pictures, no watching her Snap Chat stories, no commenting on her Facebook pictures or connecting through Facebook messenger.

This is important because it gives your ex space to miss you and to heal from the breakup, and it also lets you get some clarity on the situation for yourself. You know that saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The rule of absence allows your ex to romanticize your past relationship and have more positive, happier thoughts on the matter. Not ones of resentment or sorrow. This gives you each time to heal any wounds that your breakup caused.

Have a Clear Goal:

It’s important to have a clear goal in mind and work towards that. Do not get side tracked or take short cuts! They will work against you and all your hard work. And your goal is not to talk to her for a month, which might drive her crazy, but, in the end, that will create an anticipation in her to want to hear from you.

The best time to start texting your ex back is after the no contact period when enough time has passed that your emotions are at bay and seeing her won’t make you sweat off an entire stick of deodorant.

Reason and logic have no place right after a breakup. People do some crazy things when they get dumped. They are ruled by emotions, not reason. I know it; I’ve seen it and experienced it first-hand. To avoid looking like a stalker, take this time for yourself.

(Even if she messages you sometime along the month of no contact. Around week 2-3. You can’t respond. So this will drive her crazy and make her check her phone waiting for you to respond. You’re essentially gaining the upper hand.)

The first text message: The Reminder.

Okay, picture this: you haven’t texted your ex for a month. That’s four weeks. You can’t just jump in after radio silence and say, “Hey, Claire! How have you been?” The girl in this scenario is named Claire. This won’t excite Claire. Your text message should be where you ask her something that will remind her of a fond memory.

For example, “Hey Claire, I’m just wondering if you can remember the name of that ghost town we stumbled upon a few months back? Taking a friend there and can’t remember the name for the life of me! Thanks J”

Or, it can be something simple.

“Hey Claire, just re-watched the first season of Friends, and it made me think of the time we binged out on almost the entire series that time we were both sick! Made me think of you. Hope you’re well. J”

This has to be about a fond memory. I know being sick isn’t that glamorous, but it was a time when you were together. So you’ve got two texts that remind her of the two of you together.

The first is one that asks her to recall a certain place—the question. The other is a comment with a subtle question. The “this made me think of you text. And I hope you’re doing well.” This one warrants a friendly, “Thanks, I’m great! How are you?”

Always remember your goal. And that goal is to come across as happy, confident, and have accepted the breakup.

In getting your ex-girlfriend back over text, there is no space to tell her how much you’ve missed her. You need to keep your composure and work on re-attracting her, which leads us to our next text, the exciting one!

Text number two: Excite her

Your next text, after you’ve reminded her of a fond memory, should be something conversational. Or something upon which to build a conversation.

For example, “OMG! Did you just watch the season finale of Game of Thrones!? Can you say cliff hanger??”

“OMG, did you see how massive that protest was on campus today?”

“Woah, that new pub you’ve been wanting to go to down town is finally opened! I went, and it was so cool!”

All of these text messages are intended to be light and not carry any baggage. When you’re trying to get your ex back, there is no place to rehash the past and try to solve every problem that your old relationship had.

That is why, right now, like at the beginning of any new relationship, you are just trying to spark her interest and let your personality shine through by having some fun. And that can be through letting her know that cool things are happening in town that you know she likes. Or just sending her funny YouTube videos or memes.

You could even start Snap Chatting her interesting/funny things you see. But, and this is a very important but, you need to space out your text messages. Just because you two are talking again, this doesn’t mean you can text her incessantly.

Know when to end the conversation and that is on a high note. Let her know you have to run to be somewhere. Don’t let the conversation lag to a point where no one is talking. End it and say, “I gotta run, but I’ll chat to you later.”
While you’re trying to get your ex back, you need to leave her wanting more of you, and for more information on that head over to www.katespring.com/exback where you can watch a free video presentation on how to make your ex obsess over you.

The third text: The Favor.

The favor hopefully leads to a hangout. After you have used the previous two texts, it’s important that you have built up a rapport. That you can casually have some conversations without it being a big deal and that you keep your emotions at check.

For the favor, you need to have a favor that isn’t too grand. One that would be easy for her, but require you to meet up in person.

For example, “Hey Claire, I’m repainting my house, because I’m colour challenged, and I was wondering if we could grab coffee and you could look at my swatches. My mother is trying to convince me that beige in the new yellow…. Help!”

Women love to be needed; they are nurturers. And if you and your ex have had enough space apart to heal after the breakup, she will be more inclined to help you. And excited to do so.

Okay, now don’t worry if you’re not re-painting your house. Please don’t start painting your house just because you want to see her. Another example would be, if you’re in school, “Hey Claire, I remember that you were good with writing papers and citing your sources, mind meeting me for coffee and looking over mine?” Or “Hey Claire, can I pick your brain on the cheapest way to get from here to Amalfi? Coffee, my treat?”

These are three very simple text messages to send your ex to reintroduce communication. It is so important that you keep in control of your emotions because you don’t want to come across as being too clingy, needy, available and/or desperate.

You want to show your ex how much you have improved since the breakup. Seeing people do so well after a breakup is attractive. It’s the number one strategy in getting your ex back.


Leave a comment
  • Hi ,I am anil. This is my story.

    I had a friend swetha who is my office colleague . She introduced me to her close childhood friend Lakshmi . Then after some casual meets with Lakshmi we exchanged our contacts and slowly become very good close friends.

    She took care of me in many things.We used to speak daily and shared everything with each other. At that point of time I dint realize her importance in my life.I just behaved as a friend with her . I am not sure how she felt about me also. She shared all her personal matters everything with me and even I shared about me completely.

    And after some months I became little busy with other works and slowly I neglected her unintensionally. once we both fought on issue and from then I thought “why should I speak to her” and neglected her completely. At that point of time I am not worried anything about her. Even she also started neglecting me . Then for her bday I wished her and started speaking again, but she never spoke as if the same person. And started neglecting me .

    Then once she left me I started realizing her importance in my life,each and every day I could never forget her , there are days when I sit alone in room and cried entire night alone. I understood I loved her more and more when she left me.I never bothered about her when she was with me and cared about me but now I want her back in my life.

    Its been an year (feb 10th 2016)since we fought. And on that day feb 10th 2017 I couldn’t control myself and msgd her completely that I love her . Also explained everything to my sister and my office colleague who introduced my girl to me. My sister became emotional about me and spoke to her asking why you were not speaking to my brother blah blah blah . Also my office colleague swetha also spoke to my girl about my issue and situation became worse. (I heard that my office colleague is completely against love)

    Then my girl msgd me that how can you speak negatively about me with everyone. I lost trust on you completely. don’t ever try to speak with me again. and blocked me in watsapp,facebook and all other communication ways. I felt like I have lost all opportunities and all doors closed for me to get her back. and now I found you while browsing how to get my love back in google. Please help me.


    My point is she is not my ex-girlfriend. Once after loosing her I realized her importance and loved her alot. And now I want to marry her facing any kind of problems.

    • Hey Anil, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s not easy realizing what you had once it is gone. I think there are a couple of things going on here. One, I think that you probably hurt Lakshmi’s feelings when you just stopped talking to her. Being ignored by someone that you have feelings for is very hurtful, which you know. I also think that Lakshmi might have been overwhelmed by your sudden change of heart and being approached by your mutual friend and your sister. If she has blocked you on all social media, then I’m not sure what you can do until she unblocks you. There is no magic recipe to get her attention. When and if she unblocks you, then I would start with an apology. Apologize for ignoring her, but try not to be emotional and confess your love for her. She was angry and hurt, so let her feelings catch up to yours. But until then, I would try to continue living your life as best you can without her because unless you have a way to contact her, that doesn’t involve other people, at the moment you are at a standstill.

      All the best, Kate.

    • Hey there, Getting a long distance ex back is a tough situation to be in a rectify. However, there is a slight chance of you getting her back, but it depends on how far apart your live from one another, and how long ago you broke up. I would give this Brad Browning video a view and see how it applies to your situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZqQoLngOxg All the best, Kate.

  • Hi Kate,

    I was wondering if I could get some advice from you on how to get back together with my ex – We dated for about 3 years and have lived in different states but used to meet up on some weekends. When we met, everything was great but then suddenly for some reason, texts between us started reducing, probably thinking that the other person should text first.
    After 3 months, she decided to end this saying she doesn’t feel the same way anymore.

    It’s been about 4 months since then and I have missed her everyday. I texted her a few times in between to see how’s she’s doing with some of the memories we had and she responded back those times. I wanted to see if you could provide me some advice if there’s any way I could get her back. I was thinking of directly asking her to see if she could give me another chance. Do you think this would be a good idea or if there’s a better way to handle this?

    Thanks in advance.

  • Hey Kate my name is fracis me and my girlfriend we live in different countries
    And resent I sent her a text telling her that I am going there to meet and spend
    time together and surprises she sent a text message and finished with me. Since we finished
    if I sent her text message she will answer but she take a bit longer to answer. Last week on Monday I asked her to call me and she did . Last week on Tuesday I decided to stop communication with her so I can think better why thing went wrong. What I need to do to meet with her. She’s not willing to see me.
    What I need to dpo or say for me to go over there to meet with her? By the way when I go to her country I do stay in hotel.

  • Which word I need to use on my ex girlfriend since she live abroad for me to go there and meet with her? What I need to say? How long I need to wait before I ask her to meet?

  • Hey Kate I don’t know. The only thing she told me is that she
    makes her decision based on emotion. She mentions she’s got high pressures. She said she take tablets when she’s angry.

    • Hey Francis, That’s a tough situation to be in. I think that having open communication with your girlfriend is going to be key here. Maybe ask her to elaborate on how she is feeling because you want to be there for her and want to be understanding of what she’s going through, and or if she just needs space during these emotional times. Either way, start a conversation with her asking her for some guidance on how she would like to be treated during these emotional times in her life. If she stonewalls you and doesn’t tell you anything, then I think you need to really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to be in and if this is the one for you.

      All the best,

  • Hi kate,

    I broke up with my gf on the 20 june. We had a healthy R/S and her main concern was we were getting older and I did not take any initiative. We have known each other for 3 years together for 2.5 years. We meet up once a week for our dates and I feel that I have been really neglecting her all this time after some reflection, I really loved her…
    During the break up, she mentioned that she has no more sparks for me… and she see no future for us… She has certain insecurities such as I have always been contracted jobs and sometimes I will be jobless for awhile when I have to find another job.
    But deep inside, I have been planning and saving just that i did not get her involved and the reason for getting more certifications is so that we will have a better life in the future..
    On our meet up, i broke down, cried, and i told her i need time to cool down and i asked her to go off first.. 2 days later i texted her if we could meet up so I can be able to communicate more to her, she said that she had made up her mind and turned me down.
    The week before our break up, we still went on a couple date to have pancakes and watched a movie, during a commercial the minions came up and I told her lets go catch this when its out, she smiled and seemed happy but next week I received the broke up bomb…
    I checked with her friends and 1 of them mentioned that she has been contemplating for a abit before breaking up, im at a lost.

    • I forget to mention that she is a down to earth person and being my first gf, reflecting back on then i felt that i could do a lot more than when we were together, i need some guidance.

    • Hey Dan,

      I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Breakups are never easy. If you want some guidance, check out this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OApLnqrBLXg as well as Brad Browning’s YouTube channel and website. You will find all the information that you need to get your ex back.

      One thing that I can say is that it seems like you’ve learned a really big lesson on not taking your partner for granted and also the importance of communicating future plans with her and or reasons as to why you do things. I hope that this works out for you if it’s what you want!

      All the best,


      • I went to find her after a week of NC, big mistake did i did.. damnit… refuse to see me and deactivated her fb…i guess afew months of NC Is needed to be done..

          • Hi Kate, appreciate your prompt response. I have been focusing on myself making sure the same thing will not happen again while allowing both of us to heal.. 🙂

  • Long story short… 26 years off and on with who is the love of my life. 6 years in the beginning, 1990. Circumstances and distance broke us up. Fast forward to 2006. Hooked up again for 6 months or so. Not as intense and we went our separate ways, no hard feelings, still a connection though. Fast forward again… 2016. Reunited after she contacted. 2.5 hrs. apart, but decided we were finally past the obstacles that had kept us apart. Got engaged last Xmas after LONG discussion of us. She was to move here. This past May she texted out of the blue (seemingly), “I’m so very sorry. I just don’t want to do this”. I didn’t plead, but did ask for an explanation. None came so I’ve been in NC for 30 days so far. I’m a big boy, will handle the outcome, have loved others in between, but she’s the one. Tempted to contact, but haven’t. We were truly thrilled that at this point in our lives that all the obstacles that had prevented us from being together permanently were gone. Concrete plans were being made. Nov. of this year was the target. That conversation was a few days before the hammer. Your take please?

    • Hey there,

      This sounds like quite the love story! Just need some clarification, was she to move to where you are situated? If so, perhaps she got cold feet and didn’t want to leave the comforts of where she is incase that things didn’t end up working out. She could have also treated this as something to always look forward to, but never thought that it would really happen. I think that it is smart to stick to your no contact and then re-introduce some communication with her.

      All the best,


      • “Was” quite the love story. Yes, she was to move to my town, 150 mi. away. She moved here in the early 90s for a year when we first were together. We both had children and the back and forth with their other parents was a big factor then and part of our split. It made more sense that we each remain where we were for all the children’s benefit. They’re all adults now, so we knew that was out of the way. I knew the sacrifice of her doing the moving and we discussed at great length. I told her how much I appreciated her willingness to move. I thought everything was covered. Wrong again I suppose.

        I’m her longest relationship(s) by a long shot even though it’s spread over 27 years. She was married for a year before we met, so that was a loooong time ago. I’m worried that as much as she loves me she just doesn’t have it in her to commit. Each time she broke it off she was resolute. She tends to make decisions and stick with them. She’ll adjust after if it turns out she was wrong.

        The issue is we’re running out of time. I’m 60, she’s 58. I was 33 when we met. I figure I have 20 good years left. I REALLY thought we had finally worked this out. I can’t wait for another 4-10 year absence. I was so comforted that this part of our lives was seemingly planned and set. I’m torn over the NC thing. I understand the benefits and since it was her decision I really would like to see her make the move, if at all. I’m not intractable, but based on all we discussed it made great sense for her to move here. I have a great job and my family is near. I’m very close to mt family, she’s not to hers. Anyway… I’m rambling. I just don’t know what to do, if anything. I’ve been through break ups before. This one really hurts. Thanks so much for your response. 🙂

  • Hi Kate,
    Some advice please!
    I split with my ex back last Oct,all my fault,was non committal,took her for granted,stupid really.
    We had an amazing connection and we’re both mad about each other but my lack of commitment wore her down.
    Up until Xmas we were both still in touch,it was warm and she was thinking about things,ultimately she couldn’t go back.
    Since Jan she’s been frosty and polite at best when she does reply to my texts,I haven’t bombarded her but been a few in which I over shared how unhappy I was.
    Ive not been in touch for nearly 2mths but think about her all the time.
    I love her and have made changes in my life that were necessary,I know she was dating someone,still is for all I know
    My friends and family say give up but I want to hang in there but don’t know what I should do!

    Any advice?

    • Hi JC!

      I’m sorry to hear about what happened. Good job on applying the rule of absence for almost 2 months! That’s a good start. You may want to slowly reconnect with your ex now. Start with texting! It’s the best way because it isn’t as direct as suddenly calling her or showing up out of the blue. Just remember to take things slow here, and not rush in. That’s the worst thing you can possibly do and could potentially ruin your chances. Reconnect slowly and build up from there 🙂

      • Thx Kate?…I suppose I’m pinning my hopes on the connection we had,never had one to that extent with anyone before,she felt the same…was shocked how quickly she turned cold,I did hurt her and would love a chance to treat her as she deserves,not sure that connection will be enough though,especially as she’s not once initiated contact over last few months…am I deluding myself?!!

  • Thx Kate,not yet…plucking up the courage…I dread a negative response or no response at all…but I will try again to re-connect,feel I could be a long time waiting for her to reply even if not seeing someone..

    • That’s alright JC. But when you’re ready, send her a message. If she doesn’t reply, give it a week and then try sending another one. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, but I’m sure you can do it 🙂

  • Hey Kate

    Some advice would be helpful 

    Long story short after a 4 yrs. relationship and living together she broke up with me. We were The One for each other, the perfect couple so in love that we had our entire life planned. Until my father died and I slowly plunged into a severe depression losing all my ambition, sex drive, will do to anything but sit inside and drink and watch TV. Slowly I became a jerk and picked on her over everything and starting fights over nothing. She tried to help me best way she could, by sucking it up and. I refused to get help thinking I was going to be fine with time. Then after a year and a half of this she left saying she put her life aside for too long and that she was better off without me (she had a childhood trauma with her father being a big ass jerk, kind of what I became). I sought help and currently in therapy and all things look good and improved, starting to get back on my feet, quit drinking, started looking for a new job etc. First month after she left we barely spoke, mostly to arrange her picking up her things from our place. Every chance she got she would tell me how being alone is 1000 times better. When asked why was she drinking so much or why couldn’t she get enough rest she would reply “you know why….” (mind you, we slept holding hands for 4 yrs.). Every time she came to pick some of her things up she would cry and blank stare around the house. In the second month she contacted me and started talking regularly about memories and small current stuff like movies and such having a laugh and telling jokes. We even went to the doctor’s office together. After a week or so she abruptly broke contact. It’s been almost a month since then. I didn’t initiate contact but responded briefly if asked (she still hasn’t taken all of her things). To all her friends she is saying either that she made the right decision but is very disappointed that the relationship didn’t work out, either that she is afraid to give me a second chance and afraid that we will end up in the same place as before and to me she said that I should forget about fixing things because she can’t get past all the bad I’ve done….
    I really don’t know what to do. I am a little “scared” of a direct confrontation, afraid she will get stubborn about us getting back. Also am afraid that if I leave it like this for too long I will miss my window of opportunity. I love her more than anyone can imagine and owe it to that to try everything in my power to get this relationship back on a new and better track.
    Sorry not so short story after all…
    So, please, help?:)

    • Hey LL!

      I’m sorry to hear about everything that has happened. I can’t imagine how tough it must have been for you these past few years. It’s good that you haven’t spoken to each other for about a month. That helps in making your ex miss you. It also gives her a chance to start remembering the good times you had together. It won’t be easy to change her perception of what happened towards the end of your relationship. However, you can keep showing her this better version of yourself and gradually be able to overcome that. You can start reconnecting with her through texting… but don’t spam her. One text a week would be a good start (unless she is very responsive). The idea is to drop her subtle hints that you remember her but give her the impression that you’re not desperate for her attention. Keep it light and positive. If you end up talking again, avoid talking about the past at all costs and keep showing her a good time. Show her the man she fell in love with in the first place.

      I wish you all the best! 🙂

  • Some interesting stories here. You’re advice is spot on.

    I posted earlier… 90 days NC and I sent:

    “We’re not together. I accept that. Know though, I’ll always love you.”

    After a week she responded… “Flip flop !!”

    Now what the heck do I do?



    • Hi Clueless! If you want your ex back, you may want to tone down the romantic language while you’re still trying to reestablish contact. The more you express how “in love” you still are with your ex, the more you’ll end up pushing her away little by little. If you’ve already applied the rule of absence (it should always come first), then slowly break the ice by sending a casual text and work your way from there. The more subtle you are in your intent to get back together, the more open she’ll be to the thought of communicating with you again and that’s where the fun really begins ?

  • Good advice. I’d sent it after 90 days NC figuring we’d never get back together. 25 yr. off/on history, just wanted her to know I’d always cherish her, regardless. Wasn’t expecting any response. Very surprised I got one. If I contact I’ll keep it light. Not sure I really want to at this point. We’ll see! Thank you again.

  • Hi Kate, great advice…
    My ex and I broke up… Well in April so quite some time ago. However we lived together still until I bought my own place and moved out July 15th. We were together for 4 1/2 years.
    I sent my first text today after 52 days, the text was about a play coming to town I knew she would love! Se replied right away and was initially very positive. “Thanks…, then Hows the new place…, and finally How is dating going…”
    I was really busy tonight so just replied with “Super busy tonight!!! Catch up later.”
    How should I answer the question about the dating? Have have been on a few dates, not sure they are my type, but I am out having fun.
    Any advice you can give to help me out would be great.
    Thanks and keep up the good work.

    • Hi James! You’re actually handling things quite well. That text you sent about being busy… just lovely. It’s okay to tell her you’ve been dating but it’s nothing serious. Showing her that you’re happy and independent after the breakup would only make you more attractive in her eyes 😉

  • Kate,

    I seeking some advice if you can help. GF and I were friends for a long time and moved it into a relationship. However, she ended it after only 4 months on 8/1 because I was being rather needy. We have mutual friends so we have been in the same group a few times. She danced with me for a song at a concert and then talked to me afterward (not about us) which was 2 weeks after the break. She checks my snap stories and likes instagram posts. I don’t return this.

    I chose not to text her for 4 weeks and sent her a memory text. She responded immediately. We exchanged a few joking messages and then she stopped responding. 4 days later she messaged me a message about a memory. I waited an hour to respond and then she never replied. That was about a week ago. I’m not sure the next course of action. It is likely we’ll see each other several times in the next weeks at shared functions. Thanks.

    • Hey Zack! I think you’re doing great so far. From this point on, you should keep trying to rebuild your connection with your ex. Text her every few days with some more good memory texts. Whether she responds or not, that’s okay. The goal here is to get her to feel those positive emotions associated with your relationship. It’s also good that you’ll get to meet each other without much effort because you have mutual friends. Treat her well and always show her a good time. One thing you need to remember though, is you should avoid talking about anything related to the breakup. Keep your conversations light and fun. I wish you the best of luck! 🙂

      • Wow. Thanks for you quick response. I will take this advice to heart. I’ve made the decision that we can’t discuss our relationship until she brings it up.

        One additional question though. I’m finding different schools of thought on this around the web. When she broke it off I told her I didn’t want too, she said she did, and then she said “you haven’t even apologized.” Before getting out of the car. Which I think is in reference to our argument that stemmed from my neediness.

        Anyways. I went directly into no contact after she got out of the car and have never begged or apologized. However, I do owe her an apology. How and when do I do that? Once or if she brings up the relationship? Thanks.

  • Hey, kate its been 8 months of my breakup and we were together for 2 years. Now thing is i haven’t talked to her for 3 months as my first no contact period got wasted as i started begging again. So a fresh no contact period. Some weeks ago she messaged my friend to convince me to remove her pics from my insta account ( i removed her fron my account coz i was not feeling good when she was posting) and my friend told her that he won’t delete them. Then she told my friend that she cries every night when she looks back and thinks that she is the villain and doesn’t deserve any relationship. Kate, her birthday was 2 days back where i called her to wish, 1 minute call only. Now what should i do, is it the right time to end the no contact period and text her. Im afraid what if she asks me to remove her pics, what to do then? I want her back, please suggest me something. She overthinks alot and confused. And also she is little bit stubborn. Please guide me.

    • Hey Himanshu! 3 months of is plenty of space already. That’s more than enough and I think you’re ready for the next step. It’s time to reach out to her. Start with texting… it’s subtle and non-invasive, which is perfect to get things going.

  • Hey Kate , my gf and I broke up last month after 2 years of happy relationship . From 3 months she was kindoff cold towards me and used to block me on small small things. Then last month she lied to me and was talking to some guy whole night for days and she didn’t told me about that she was talking to him. And after some days I reached at my breaking point and in anger I abused her(I never said a single wrong word to her in 2 years even if she did) cause I felt cheated and in anger I deleted her Instagram account (we had eachother pass.). Dat day we broke up and then in next 3 days we came back in relation n broke it two times. Den she broke up and blocked me for 10 days .
    After breakup I begged her and asked her for forgiveness she said she don’t feel the same with me anymore. After 10 days she called me and we both talked for 5 hours and we both were crying for 3 hours. And den the very next day she again went cold. So I stopped texting her dat day and applied no contact rule . It’s been 10 days since the last time we talked . What should I do next . Please help , I love her so much.

    • I’m sorry to hear about what happened Navneet. Cutting off contact for now is the best possible choice you could have made… so good job on that. You should keep going with no contact until you reach a full month. Use this time to work on yourself. Get out there, exercise, learn something new, meet new people. The happier you make yourself after the breakup, the better your chances will be. So use this time wisely. Once the month is over, you can start rebuilding a connection with your ex. There’s no better way to do that than text. So get a free copy of my eBook. In the book, I talk about texting extensively: http://www.katespring.com/free

      All the best,


      • Thank u so much for the suggestion Kate . I will for sure work on my self and thank you for giving me time even when you are so busy .

  • Hey kate, i have started talking to my ex after 3 months of no contact. I have talked to her three times till now and usually give one week interval in texting. But last time i talked she told me she is little busy and also didn’t show much interest. Do you think she can be like this and don’t show any interest. She doesn’t even take initiative to message but when we talk she talks very nicely and a good conversation. But last it didn’t happen like this. Please explain.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your situation Himanshu. Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear, but given her response, I think it’s time to consider moving on and cutting off communication for good. If she’s still interested in you, she will be the one to reach out to you. If not, then moving on with your life is the best thing you can do.

  • Hey just found your thread. Can you provide some insight for me. Me and my ex have been broken up roughly 4 months now. The break up was mutual. She wanted me back i was just else where enjoying my freedom. I contacted her 2 months ago. To try set up a date she declined and said she was seeing someone else. Messed me up. I tried to get her back wrong move of course. Pushed her away more. I gave her space. Afterwards. Now two months ahead. I asked her if i could come hang out she said yes. Her phone rang she didnt answer. Turns out it was this new guy. And the next day she told me he doesnt like that we were still communicating. And didnt know why you contiune to talk to him. Ive made those mistakes of not letting go of my past. So i told her block me go comfort him. She said you think it would be that easy to let go. I text her later that day. And asked if id ever see her again. She said she doesn’t know. Ask her if i could come over now. She said no. Lol. But it was also late at night. And she told me maybe another night. I care about the girl. Just dont know what to think of it. Do i go non contact. And she if she reaches out to me. Just move on. Idk. Thank you thread helped alot.

    • Hi Fredrick! I’m sorry to hear about what happened. Yes, I think it would be wise to apply the rule of absence for at least a month. You can try texting her again after that. I wish you the best of luck!

  • Hi Kate,

    My Ex wanted to buy shoes, so how about:

    “Hi (Name), I was at Nike checking out shoes and recollected you too wanted to buy a pair….they have good options for shoes, you should check them out.



  • Give me the solution of this problem.. I met a girl we are in relationship for 4 yr but in that time of period I hurted her a lot… She is a nice girl… But that time I didn’t respect her feelings… I broke her heart….. Totally… But she is kind hearted after the Breakup she talk with me for sometime but I tried to came back her in my life but she said no and we fight again… She said to me don’t ever try to call or text me…. I also said okay but am not able to face this problem am missing her badly… I realized that I made blunder mistake… I don’t know what should I do…. Am totally confused give me any suggestion….. I want her back… But she said if trust is broken every thin his broken…. Her these words make me down and down every day…. Please help me to tackle this situation please.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your situation Shovick. First things first, you need to apply the rule of absence. You should cut off all communication with her for at least a month. By giving her the space she’s asking for, you’ll also help her get rid of her negative feelings. After a month, it’ll be easier for you to start over and rebuild attraction. It’s not exactly easy, but it will help. Wish you all the best!

    • Same thing for me brother, same situation and same type of girl and all each step same, whole story, I tried everything but nothing worked, if something works on yours please help me too.

  • What if my ex is dating someone. Should I continue NC and after NC should I attempt one of your great text message examples?

  • I did NC for 3 months, I contacted her as you suggested and I got neutral response- she was asking about my family and work, and we were texting for in short answer then I ended up immediately. After 3 days I contacted her again by saying how r u ? and she replied is not your business, you dont have the right any more to know how am doing … I ended up the conversation by I just ate something and reminded me about you, and I have the right to asking you because you were the shiny part of my life .. have a good night and pretty life ..

    I’m confused what should I do.. got neutral and negative responses at same time?

    • I’m sorry to hear about what happened Ryan. You should try again after a few days, and get her to meet you if you can. But if she responds the same way or refuses to meet with you, it might be time to start thinking about moving on.

  • Hi there !
    My ex and i broke up 3 weeks ago.
    She never gave me a real answer why but we had a small discussion and so that’s her reason why she broke up.
    I still want to fight for her and don’t want to give it up.
    I gave her time but i texted her just once about some ideas for a tattoo (she’s also into tattoo’s and stuff)
    She texted back within the minute and had a small conversation.
    Also on snapchat she’s always looking at my story. So i guess she doesn’t really want me out of her life. Or she can’t forget it just yet i don’t know.
    But what should i do?
    Give her time and don’t message her again?
    I really want to fight for her and give it another chance.
    It ended so weird and suddently, i can’t leave it like this.
    Thanks !

    Hopeless wanderer

    • Hi there! Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear… but retaining contact with her right now doesn’t really help you get her back. It would give her the impression that you’re just waiting around, so she won’t feel the full weight of losing you. You should apply the rule of absence instead. Good luck!

      • Can i post things on my facebook and snapchat story? I don’t send it to her than. I won’t look at her story. But i left har alone for over 3 weeks. I heard her just 2 times that’s it. Do i need to leave her alone than for a month?
        Thanks !

  • Hey kate, in my case I’ve been with a girl for 4 years but she broked up and i tried everything from message to visit, now its been more than 1.5 years since i didn’t tried to contact her, and she still blocked me from all social medias, but somehow i want to tell her my feelings that i still love her deeply we were both each others first and last love and that ive changed myself in so many months and a year, she never moved on with someone else nor i did in these 3 years, we were both separately working on our life and making self great, but now i cant wait anymore to get her back, ive ruined her trust and respect, the reason of breakup was abusing and disrespectful nature. Some how 2 month ago i messaged her by a new Facebook id of my name and send messages, but she blocked me from that too. I don’t know please help. I know she loves me, she said she is broken, she trusted me blindly, and i want to heal her and i never give up in so many years but don’t know how to make feelings in her heart again after losing. I want to rebuild trust and respect, and heal her and marry her.

    • I’m really sorry to hear about your situation Sumit. But if she still has you blocked after more than a year, I doubt there’s much chance of you getting her back. You should consider moving on. You’ll probably have a better chance at getting her back along the way if you focus on your own life now.

      • My friends say you really love her and you should go face 2 face meet her without informing her and then tell all your feelings one last time and apologise to her seriously, because text messages won’t melt her hateness now only real face 2 face meet can spark her heart. so should i try this thing and when should i do this? Right now or should wait for sometime?

  • Hi kate My name is Tiken in my case I had a relationship of 1 and half year n receently we had break up its been 5 days. the reason for beeakup is I yeild at her and she broke up with me, I want her back now. She said she wants to staye alone for somedays, should I try to call her pr text her or should I wait for 30 days (follow No contact rule). Please help me .

    • I’m sorry to hear about your breakup Tiken. You should apply no contact for now and give her some space. Trying to talk to her when she’s not ready won’t help either of you. I hope everything works out between you.

  • Hi! I’m just on day 2 of rule of absence.. and my ex’s brother (whom i got along great) just texted me… he wrote “hey how you’re doing” I haven’t replied yet… but does this counts as breaking no contact rule? And whatever your response will be… does that same scenario will apply for friends I met through her and mutual friends?

    • Hi there! Responding to your ex’s brother and mutual friends is actually okay. It’s also a subtle way of letting your ex know how well you’re doing after the breakup 😉

  • I was thinking of sending my ex a picture that I sent her a few years ago and she replied that my face reminded her of me being on top of her. I was going to ask her if she remembered her reply and say that made me smile. Is that too much? Thanks.

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  • Hi,
    I have taken my girlfriend for granted and I regret it so much.. she lost attraction for me and that’s why she broke up with me. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now. She broke up just a week ago and we’ve still been in touch sometimes. I’m asking myself if I should do the no contact rule as I’ve taken her for granted.
    Because if I do not contact her, she will see that I still won’t do anything to change my behavior and just forget about me.. i’m clueless, can you please help? I really love her a lot

    • I’m sorry to hear about what happened Feng. Even in your case, creating some distance will help. It will make your ex see what really losing you feels like. Good luck!

  • Hi, I’m not sure how I can achieve the rule of absence when we have kids, i don’t txt her but she txts/phones me. Help

  • Hi, Kate. Thanks for all you do.
    So, I followed NC with my ex gf. A little over a month. She texted me yesterday on my bday. Kept it light. Texted her again today and she seems very responsive. Followed all your guidelines. Just not sure where to go from here. Keep space in between texting again? Wait for her to text? Try and set a meet up soon? Just been two days of positive texting but I don’t want to overdo it. Thanks again!

  • Hey Kate.
    So here is my story..
    I’ve been with this girl since high school. First couple years our love is strong af. We finished high school and the love was not there as much as before.. I mean we barely used to see each other and we’re on and of in our relationship. I’ve hunted her over 10 times.. Telling her hurtful stuff. But at that time I didn’t know what it is to love. So September passed and we were not together. We were on a break. We talked through those times until now. But I’m serious about being in a relationship and maybe marrying this girl in the future. But she won’t believe what I’m saying. She still holds on to the past. She wants to say yes but her heart says no. I really love her. But idk what to do to let her know I’m totally different and I’m ready for a commitment and to settle down with her. So what to do?

  • Hello Kate. Please I would like an advice on this. I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months, she lives in another state, but she broke up with via text saying she didn’t want the relationship anymore and didn’t want to lie to me any longer coz it’s a guilt she’s been carrying for so long, and she complained about me sometimes talking to her like she’s a child and that she needs space and don’t want no text or calls. She blocked me on all social media. It made me cry ?, I know you talked about no contact rule but 2 days later. I sent her a very long text via friend’s number and she read it, starting with “hope she’s doing well?” and saying I know she doesn’t want no contact but I wanted to respond to her breakup text and explain and that I don’t intend contacting her any longer. that I didn’t mean to speak to her like a child and all but I only cared about her so much. but I ended the text saying this will take sometime to heal and my future doesn’t look bright without her. So Kate, I have been very hurt. It’s been just 4 days now and nothing from her. After the long text I sent her she didn’t respond but what do I do now Kate. I’m dieing inside. I’m thinking she’s with someone else’s. Help Kate.

    • Hi Chris! I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. Maybe you want to hear something else, but the truth is, if you want her back… you should stop trying to talk to her at this point. Don’t send any more messages. Don’t expect a reply. Give her time by applying the rule of absence. This will also help you heal. It’s not easy, but it’s your best option.

  • Also Kate in the break up text she says I’m s good guy that deserves someone better and close to me but that’s not her.

  • Hi, Kate. So I ended up asking my ex gf out after no contact and positive texting. She declined and now won’t respond to my texts. It seemed like I was making progress. Do I have to start all over?

    • Hi Jay! Great job on making it through the no contact phase! No worries if she declined. Just keep it cool and don’t give her the impression that you’re desperate to get her back. You don’t exactly have to start over, but you can subtly remind her of your fond memories together enough to make her miss you. Good luck! 😉

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  • Hi Kate, I have been dating my ex for about 7months before she traveled overseas to study, for 3 years we have been chatting and video calling although we do have issues and don’t talk for sometime, still we get back and start our romance again, now she’s back after 3years and when we first met I kissed her, later she called me and asked for a stroll, it got to the third day which is today she invited me over to her house and we where both talking and laughing, then she took my phone and saw some text messages I received and also sent to a girl I was trying to spin, she got angry cause i sent the girls ” I Love You ” and said I had been deceiving her, ever since and decided to end our relationship, she even looked at me and said I don’t love you and don’t want to talk or see you anymore, I pleaded with her but to no avail, please advise me on what to do, I love her so much, I don’t want to lose. Please…

    • Hey Charles! Sorry to hear about what happened. I know this must be hard for you, but I suggest you start the Rule of Absence. No more begging and pleading. Give her space and avoid contact for at least a month, this way, you can avoid making her more upset and you can work on how you can get her back. You can check out this video for more helpful tips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OApLnqrBLXg Hope this helps!

      • Hi Kate, we stay in the same neighborhood, I happen to pass her sometimes, should I say hi to her when we cross paths during this Rule of Absence time or just ignore her, and act like I didn’t see her?

  • Hi Kate
    So just a little over a year ago I decided to end my relationship with my girlfriend.
    I really liked her and she loved than me than anyone has. We never had problems like cheating or any fights.
    The thing is we went to the same college in the same city but attended different campuses meaning i had to visit her and vice versa. However she did most of the visiting and i hardly went to her campus. She would buy me stuff and once in while I did the same because I had small pockets. I felt bad that I couldn’t buy her things like she did for me. She didn’t complain about it for a very nice long time but then later she would complain a few times that I didn’t visit her more often. This started hurting me more as I felt I was doing enough for her and I always tried to fit myself in her shoes. Because of this I told her I was breaking things off coz i felt she deserved someone better. She tried to plead with me but I stood by decision. It’s been over a year but we still talk from time to time and she moved town. I really miss ‘us’,she is not seeing anyone at the moment. .should I tell her I want us back together?

    • Hey Damiano! I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I think wanting her back is a natural thing. You definitely have a chance… but you should keep in mind that doing the same things would only produce the same results. So if you really want your relationship with her to work out, you need to have a game plan on how to deal with the problems you’ve had in the past. Once you have that sorted out, go for it! 😉

  • Hi Kate, we stay in the same neighborhood, I happen to pass her sometimes, should I say hi to her when we cross paths during this Rule of Absence time or just ignore her, and act like I didn’t see her? How about the Valentine’s Day? Should I text her a happy Valentine?

  • Hello kate ..my name is rajat
    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years ..2 years in college and 1 year long distance…everything was fine …
    And then in November 2017 she contacted her school guy friends ..she met them in december..and after a week we had a little argument she broke up with me …i loved her so soo much she broke up on 3 jan and i tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t listen to anything i sayy ..so on 28 jan i went to her college she became angry and then she told me that i met my school friend i went at his home I’ve moved on i dont wanna talk anything…and then she said he is just my friend there’s nothing between us…i don’t understand whats happening..i was then trying to talk to her you know trying to find out what’s happening..she said that she doesn’t love me anymore and the last thing that happened was all my roses were on the ground i was crying and she left with those new guys …i loved her soo much I’ve always been loyal to her and i never even lied to her about anythingg…i am so much depressed..took me a lot of courage to type this .. it’s been a month I cry for hours i m insomniac i ve lost so much weight ijust think about her all the timee i want her back soo bad …i tried to contact her classmate she told me that she has moved on completely in one month and she is always planning something with those guys ..drinking partying…what has happened. ?? I can’t live without her please help me please

    • Hello Rajat. I’m really sorry to hear about what happened. You need to pick yourself up. I understand it’s hard for you but being depressed and crying around isn’t gonna help, and it’s the last thing you’d want your ex to hear if she asks how you’re doing. And start the Rule of Absence, if you don’t know what it is, then check out this video that I know will surely help you. Good luck! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OApLnqrBLXg

  • Hi Lewis, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It would be best if you stop communicating with your wife as of the moment and stick with the rule of absence. You need to give her time and space to miss you and get rid of the negative emotions she may have towards you. I think you would definitely benefit from my colleague, Brad Browning’s Mend The Marriage program. To get to know more, please click this link: http://www.marriageguy.com/

  • Hi Kate,

    I was just wondering, my girlfriend for little over 2 years broke up with me over 3 weeks ago. I love her very much and want to everything for her. I have come to know what mistakes I know I did, and that was that I put myself on hold and I let everything evolve around her, so basically she came the man and I the woman in the relationship. But that was not the person I am and she fell in love with. After 7 months she lost her mom who lived with her whole life and was her soulmate. After that she went down to depression and almost broke up with me but then I could talk her out of it and give her time to grief, but she has been up and down ever since but always has the relationship survived it until now. I basically went into this “crazy in love” mode and did everything to make her feel supported and love, and actually stopped living my life. When she broke up with me she said she does not love me anymore and has now feelings and after that I did not go into this after breakup mode of begging and stuff like that, I walked away but told her I loved her and always will. She texted me few times she how I was doing because she know I can go very down of a shock like this. But I told her that this is difficult and cut communication. She texted again asking if it was ok that she texted me and I said Yes it´s ok, and I explained again that I am going through this process, nothing needy or clingy. Then few days later she texted me just to tell me she got stuck in the snow and could not get into work that day, just average text like nothing had happen, I just replied normally and no drama. Then few days later I sent all her stuff to her via my oldest son and she texted me back after that if I do not want our pictures I should just throw them, and she sent them back with my son. I said (maybe cruel) that everything that reminds me of you I put in the bag. After that I have not heard from her (a week). But then I heard from mutual friend that she is dealing with depression of losing her mom, and also dealing with her brother, who is living with her, and is like 17 years younger, drug problem. So my question is, should I break my no-contact and send her just simple text that I know what she is going through and she can contact me if she needs support or just to talk. Because I know she is not dealing with breaking up (maybe little) with me but what is going on at her house and herself. I don´t want to just cut myself out of her life if she maybe needs support. Hope you can give me advice on, if I should break no-contact and if I do how my first communication should be.

    • Hi Joey, thanks for your message. While the idea of contacting her during this rough time of her life seems sweet, it would be a bad idea to break the no contact now. If you keep making yourself available even after the breakup, this would actually make it easier for her to move on. You need to give her time and space to really miss you. Good luck!

    • Hey there John, All my coaching slots are full right now. I’ll be sure to let you know if things open up in the future. Meanwhile, I’ll be uploading fresh helpful contents and videos on my YouTube channel so watch out for them! 🙂

  • Hi Kate, i dated my girlfriend for 2 years and we broke up due to lack of trust and insecurity, i pleaded with her too forgive me but she insisted she has made up her mind she has nothing to do with me in life, i applied the no contact method for 3 months now, i.just texted her to.remind her of when we were still in college and fond memories, still waiting for her reply. please what will be my next step too follow?

    • You’re doing great Charles! Just keep it like that as you rebuild your relationship. It won’t be easy, especially if she doesn’t reply right away, but you have to resist the urge to send her a lot of texts, since this will make you look desperate and too obvious that you’re trying to get back together. Just take it slow and let things take their natural course. Good luck! 🙂

  • Hi Kate,

    I just came across your page looking for some kind of help. Me and my girlfriend of almost 2 years recently split up. I moved to a city where she is originally from and so now that we fell off, I feel more then alone. Last week we spent a few nights together but after this past Friday it went back to nothing. I expressed how I felt that she was giving me mixed signals, and she reminded me that we weren’t together and that she does not want a relationship anymore. I am completely heart broken and can barley breathe every time I think of the fact that I lost her. She had been warning me that the constant arguing and lack of affection drove her farther, and she was drained and wanted to focus on finding herself but that she still loves me and the feelings aren’t gone but I’m sure she is us afraid that another chance wont fix anything since she gave it her last chance before and it didn’t change but I want to show her I promise to change if I can get her to give me one true last chance. I don’t want to seem desperate but she was all I had and now I live alone with no friends or anyone to talk to and I just want to give her what she deserves. I want to show her I finally take responsibility and I am willing to do whatever it takes. I just want to remind her of the connection we once share. Shes says its harder to face it when were face to face but if I can get that time to rekindle something, that could be the start. What should I do?

    • also, we broke up exactly 1 month ago but have had some in person communication, and spent valentines day together. She gave me a gift and she said she still felt butterflies when I kissed her. I wonder if the hope I still have isn’t for nothing.

      • Hey Deena, it’s best for you to start the rule of absence and avoid contact from your ex. If you keep making yourself available even after the breakup, you’d only be helping her move on easily. You need to give her time and space to miss you, and get rid of any negative emotions she may have towards you. You’ll have a better shot at winning her back after no contact. I really think this video would help you, so go check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OApLnqrBLXg

  • Hey Kate,

    You mentioned spacing out text messages and not texting incessantly after text number two. What’s a good amount of time between text initiation?


    • There’s no specific days for this one Jeff. I’d say 2 or 3 days, then make it a week after that, then just a day after. Avoid making a pattern, you want to be unpredictable with this technique as much as possible or else she’ll figure it out 😉

  • Hi there! I was hoping if you could give me some advice.

    I’ve been with this wonderful girl for 2 years. We’ve had ups and downs along the way and 3 weeks ago she decided to break up with me stating that she needs to work on herself and she’s just unsure of this relationship.

    I went 5 days of no contact and I wished her on her birthday. I received a simple thank you message.

    Next, I went 1 week of no contact and decided to text her on the 7th day. We chatted for an hour or so and I ended the conversation. It was a pleasant conversation.

    In the end I gave up on no contact the following days and decided to text her as per normal. All I receive was cold and one worded replies.

    I then decided that she is still emotional about the break up and I should leave her alone for now and restart no contact.

    I’ve gone through 1 week and intend to complete a month of no contact to give her the time and space she needs.

    My question is, what if after 1 month of no contact, and resuming communications I’m still receiving one word/cold replies from her. What should I do?

    • The no contact’s purpose is to give her time and space to miss you and get rid of any negative emotions she may have towards you Faris. The recommended time is “at least” one month but if what you ask happens, then maybe she needs more time. Getting your ex back doesn’t happen overnight so you also have to be patient on slowly reestablishing your communication. Best of luck! 🙂

  • Hey Kate it’s been 3 weeks that my ex and I broke up problem is we work together in the same building and I wanna give her space and time but it’s hard to do that when you see her everyday? HELP!!!!

    • That’s harder than the usual Jon, but it doesn’t mean you can’t apply the rule of absence anymore. Just keep your conversations short and casual. Talk only if you have to. If you show her you’re moving on and you’re doing great, then you’re effectively using the rule of absence. This will make her second-guess her decision of breaking up with you. After a month, you’ll definitely have a better chance of winning her back and you can take it from there. Good luck! 🙂

  • Hey kate! I have been in the no contact period for about 4 days now and my ex she contacted me with a text and i ignored her. She then got mad that i ignored her and called me an a$$hole. She then called me about 3 hours later that night and i didnt answer her call. Later the next day i texted her and said that ‘hey im sorry i didnt return your call lastnight.’ She didnt reply to me she just saved the message. Should i continue the no contact, or do you think she is wanting me to call her back ? What should i do in this case ?

    • Hey Wyatt! You’ve been doing great so far! I understand that she really wants to talk(and you probably want to talk to her too), but giving in would only mean she’s in control right now, and might reignite all the hurt she’s felt with your breakup. You need to give her more time to heal and cool down with all those negative emotions she’s got by sticking with the no contact for at least a month. Good luck!

  • Hey Joseph, so sorry to hear about your situation. I know things are rough with you right now and as much as I’d love to help you, my experience in the marriage area leaves much to be desired(I’m still engaged, but I’ll be there soon!), and this is why I’ll be introducing you to my good friend and colleague, Brad Browning, who’s got this awesome program called Mend the Marriage. He runs a popular channel in YouTube and he’s widely known as “Breakup Brad”. I feel you’d really benefit with his program so be sure to check his channel out and visit this website if you’d like to know more: http://www.marriageguy.com/

  • hi my name is Alex and this is my story

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years and I thought it was serious. We have been through a lot and I never cheated or abused her. She informed me she was getting deployed for 9 months and I was devastated. I started becoming clingy and controlling that lead to trust issues. she said shed come home to me, but a month and a half into her deployment she broke up up me saying I was all she was thinking of. saying I need to give her space to work on myself to and maybe later in deployment we could work it out. I know she is focused on the Army which I admire. I gave her 4 days a week ago and after that we started talking more. she would call and we would message more but my neediness came back out and I kept saying how much I love her and want to work it out and I cant be friends because I love her too much. she said she felt like poop breaking up with me and if she was here it would be different but we are back on the no talking and I just don’t know what to do? I want to hear how she is doing..

    • Well, you obviously need to give her space Alex. Keeping in contact with her will only mess up your chances. The rule of absence is designed to make her miss you and forget any negative emotions she’s got with your relationship and that’s why you need to start it as soon as you can. You can also use this time away from each other to compose and get control of your emotions and make a better version of yourself. After a month of no contact, you’ll definitely have a better chance of getting her back and you can take it from there. Good luck!

  • Hi Kate,

    My name is Joao and I live in Portugal.

    Sorry if I do not write well, but English is not my native language.

    After a 2 year relationship, my girlfriend decided to end it all with me last June. We had a strong relationship and we thought we were going to live together. I did the NC period of 2 months, after which I sent her some messages with weak answers or no response.
    Last week I discovered that you have a new boyfriend. I feel lost. Is it possible to get my ex girlfriend back? Should I follow your method, even if she has a boyfriend, or are there different techniques?

    Kind Regards,


    • Hello Joao. Sorry to hear about the breakup. Her new relationship could just be rebound, or she’s finally decided to move on. Either way, it wouldn’t do you any good if you keep pushing yourself to her now that she’s got someone new. It’s best for you to move on and start thinking about dating other women. Time to stop chasing your ex and turn the tables and make her chase you instead. Have fun, go out with friends, do what makes you happy. Show your ex that your life could go on even without her in your life. Once she sees you with someone else, it might open up the possibility of her getting all jealous and rethink her decision of breaking up with you. If not, then you’re still on track with moving on and in the long run, it’s one of the win-win situations that you can find yourself in. Good luck!

  • hi kate
    my name is daryl and i live in england.
    in 2014 i met a girl called layla. we spent a few weeks together in the evenings hooking up. it was nothing serious as i had just came out of a messy long term relationship, (which layla understood). after 1 month layla became pregnant and we had a beautiful daughter. but since the day i met layla she had feelings for me but i only saw her for a friend.
    at the end of 2017 layla told me she was texting another boy. and for some reason it really bothered me, then i realised i had strong feelings for her, so i told her.
    at first she said she had gotten over me. but after a month we grew closer and ended up in a relationship. but after 6 months she told me she still only sees me as a friend, and that after being friends for so long she can’t get past it being more than that.
    i am currently in the no contact period, and last night she told me she misses me as a friend so much and that she is miserable all the time. but she still doesn’t want me as a boyfriend.
    i think she WANTS to be with me but her feelings aren’t in the right place towards me.

    do you have any advice?
    thank you!!

    • Hi Daryl. Layla may or may not have feelings for you, but she’s still putting you in the friend zone all the same. This is hardly something new as there are a lot of women who do this so they can keep the guy around without committing to any serious relationship. I made a video about escaping the friend zone and I suggest you watch it so you’ll know what to do moving forward. You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juo5zwRe3mk

    • Give it a day or two. That’s only if your ex has responded to the reminder texts you sent okay? You don’t want to make things awkward by suddenly sending her some random exciting texts when she hasn’t even responded at all.

  • Hey so me and my girlfriend were together for 7 months we were very happy we never fighted if we had a problom we would talk it out instead of fighting ii out we were also both aware when we did something wrong so we would apoglizes right away exsample if she got drunk or frustrated about life she would take it out on me then say sorry same thing vice versa we met eachothers familys and friends we were a very happy couple with eachother then she decided it was out of the blue to dump me one momwnt she was telling me how much she loved me then like next day after she dumped when she dumped me she told me she loves me but her reasons are stuff I wasn’t doing in the relationship I pretty much started putting my life on hold for her I can work on trying to be better but I made a mistake I begged and pleaded for about 3 days after then I decided to call her to say sorry for over reacted trying to fix the damage when i said sorry she said i know break ups are hard she still was trying to confort me and then she said but we need space I wasn’t sure what to do so I stumbled across a whole bunch of YouTube videos I found love advice tv brad browning and I came across your videos and I descovered the no contack rule I’m in day 2 of no contack and I do plan on working on myself in the next 30 days but do I still have a chance to get her back

    • Yes you still have a chance Stratton. Sorry to hear about the break up. I know things can be tough especially when doing the no contact rule but begging and pleading makes you look needy and desperate. Let’s be honest, no one wants to go back in a relationship with someone like that right? That’s why you really need to stick with it or else you’ll just cause more damage to your chances of getting her back. Once you’ve reached at least a month of no contact, you can then proceed on re-attracting your ex. Here’s a collab video featuring me and Brad that can help you with that phase: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A7AVBbFO0I

  • Hi Kate! So i finaly got to txt #3 on saturday and she agreed to see me next thursday friday. She said let me chek my schedual and il let you know what time im done at work. But still no answer and tomorow is thursday. Should i txt her tomorow or friday to ask her is she has time or just leave it be, if she dosent txt then forget bout it. Thank you for your time.

  • Like i dont want to look like im begging but i also dont want to look like i didnt try or push hard enough (if shes hesitating and i didnt show i want it enough) sorry i sound like a nerd and im not the guy with girl problems but this is the love of my life

  • Hey Kate,

    So my ex dumped me a little over a month ago. I realize now that it was because I was acting a bit needy, and “discreetly” pushing/hinting at a serious relationship, coming off as desperate. We dated for 4 months, and she was really into me showing me lots of affection, and even tried to get me to calm down a few times, by giving hints like, “my old boyfriend took a while to get together”, etc. On our last date, she told me I seemed ready for a relationship, and instead of taking charge and saying yes, I just dabbled around the subject because she had grown a bit distant before. She told me to let her know if casual dating wasn’t enough, and I didn’t bring it up again, as I thought I’d scare her off. Ultimately I ended up being a bit too much, and she ended it with the classic, “I’m not ready for a relationship”. I accepted that she wanted to end it, and told her that if she ever changed her mind, to let me know, but that I wouldn’t wait for her. I did 1 month of no contact, and sent her the first text a few days after her birthday. She was really excited to hear from me, and quite flirtatious. Then total silence… What should my approach be now? Back to no contact or?
    Thanks for your help!

    • You hit it right with re-establishing contact Pete. Just stepped off the gas and let the hype die down but that doesn’t mean it’s all over for you. You’re showing her that you’re not desperate to get back together and that’s a good thing. You can try sending her some good-reminder texts and get that communication back but make sure you keep her hooked this time! Good luck!

  • hey Kate
    This is my story from the beginning and I really hope that u help me figure it out so:
    I met a girl almost 2 years ago we were students at the same classroom, by the time we started to get to know each other even we made a pack of 4. Day after day after day our feelings towards each other got stronger so at first we bacame best friend and she became the closest one to me, Despite that i guess it was mutual for us to be scared of losing that dear friend because of a BF/GF relationship untill one day something came and we finally spit it out and i can’t describe to you the feeling of joy that I had after getting what i really wanted for so long. So we started dating for a month it was exciting and a good experience at the beginning but things didn’t work so well for both of us lately we arguied i tried to convince her that it’s normal and we need time together to focus on it and to try to resolve our differences but she refused under the pretext of she was not self satisfied and she didn’t feel confortable with me so she made her own final decision (but deeply i know that she still care about me and the main reason that she did it because she want us to be just friends). I confess that i acted a little bit needy but eventuallyy i didn’t do something wrong.
    I don’t disagree with her decision but i feel like she was rushing taking it and i truly love her and care about her so much and i’d do anything to get her back.
    I know that this sounds stupid but i can not move on and get over it after all, it’s breakup’s day 12 ,it was and still a painful period, i didn’t even pass a moment without thinking of her.I’am afraid of losing her as a partner and as friend( i can’t be just a friend to her,i can’t even hide my emotions).
    what should i do?
    Thanks for your help.

  • Ok so here it is

    Me and my ex broke up and we have been texting everyday after the break up ?, like from 8 in the morning to 12 at night everyday, I’m not gonna lie I’ve told her I want her back and all that and she says she just wants to be friends. I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t text my “friends” everyday all day for about 3-4 months straight. I don’t know if she wants to get back together or what but I have no idea what to do. Could you help me out ?????????

    • That’s because she’s putting you in the friend zone. It’s exactly why I always recommend to start the rule of absence right away. Keeping in contact with your ex will only make her move on easier since she’ll have a convenient way of sating her emotional needs without having to worry about commitment. You should keep your distance for now Javon. She has to make that all-or-nothing decision and she can’t do that if you keep on texting her everyday.

  • Hey Kate, recently break up with my girlfriend about two to three weeks ago and I trying the no contact rule right now. It’s been 10 days since I any contact between us was made but her birthday is coming up exactly on the 30th day of the no contact period. What is the next step from here if I’m trying to get her back? And should I iniate contact with her on her birthday or after her birthday.

    • Her birthday’s a perfect reason and timing to re-establish communication Jack. You can greet her but don’t overdo it like sending a long and emotional message. Start by reminding her of some good memories that will make her miss you, like maybe how you celebrated her last birthday. I suggest you watch this video about re-attracting your ex featuring my good friend, Brad Browning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A7AVBbFO0I

  • Hey kate! I broke with my girlfriend a month ago, we didnt chat or talk or meet up as much as we used to, she wants to stay friends but i refused and she got a bit angry, i didnt contact her almost a week from now, i still have feelingns to her, and i knew that she has a crush on another dude and it kills inside. Should i text her? Im so confused

    • Sorry to hear about the breakup. I know it’s hard but you have to maintain the rule of absence for now, or else you’d be playing into her hands and be stuck on the friend zone. Go out and have fun instead of moping around. Focus on yourself for now and do your best to take your mind off the breakup, so you won’t look desperate!

  • Kate, thanks for the helpful advice. How much time should I give between sending the first and the second text in your recommended sequence, and between the second and third?

    • There’s no exact pattern you need to follow. Be unpredictable. A couple of days, then maybe a week after. Mix it up. Keep her engaged, excited and at the same time, make sure you leave her wanting for more. Don’t look a little too overeager by responding too soon but don’t lose your momentum by holding out too much. And never ever send multiple texts until she replies. That spells desperation which could mean game over for you. Good luck Ed!

  • Hello Kate,

    Thank you for all your insightful posts. I am currently giving my ex space while focussing on me (2 long weeks in), however, I want to win her back. We dated last summer and took a 2.5 month break to be friends and focus on us and then realized we both really wanted to be together. However, the struggle of poor communication really hurt us as there were things that I would do that hurt her, but she would either never mention them or say them in a way that I did not realize she was communicating a frustration. She is a single mother of 2 who has struggles with her shitty cheating ex-husband(who tries to make her miserable still), her parents put a lot of pressure to be 100% focused on her kids and not go have fun (date), one top of this her kids we starting to give her trouble. During this time we were having our issues and she broke up with me. This was right before quarantine where she knew she would not be able to work. I was the only struggle that she could remove and so she did. However, we continued to interact on nearly a weekly occurrence for 1.5 months post-breakup. I finally got to meet her mother during this time and I spent multiple times with her and her daughter. I had hope that things would go back to the way they were and be better as I finally was learning what was hurting her.

    However, I made the big mistake of pushing for us to get back together the whole time. She went from saying she still loved me, to no longer being interested in even trying again. I know I shot myself in the foot massively with being pushy to the point of turning her completely off during all this, while ultimately I know I should have given her space and not been there for her so to get my emotions in check.

    I am trying to figure out how I can win her back and reattract her. The last time we spoke was over the phone 2 weeks ago for nearly 2 hours. During this time she told me she was going back to work and her kids were doing better. It ended with her wanting space for a couple of weeks and then maybe trying friendship, however, I want to reattract her and be more than friends. I know with her life going back to a more breathable state of normalcy that she will be less stressed, however, how can I win her heart back and prove to her that I have learned.

      • Thank you Kate. I know during the 30 days I am focussing on doing things that I have wanted to do such as: get in better shape, finally got a tattoo that I told her I wanted but never did, and I am currently working on becoming approved to be a Big Brother through Big Brother Big Sister program. These were all things I had planned to do, but the past grad school semester kept me too busy (so she would not perceive them as me trying to impress her).

        I thought for my 3 texts
        Reminder text 1. Ask her the name of the bar I took her for her Birthday (probably one of our best memories together).

        Excitement text 2. Show her the tattoo

        Favor text 3. Ask her to write me a letter of recommendation for it. I think she would especially since she has seen how good I was with her kids.

        We currently do not follow each other on social media but I am not blocked.

  • Hey kate after watching your video on the 8 steps to getting your ex back it gave me insight i would never have even thought of, im considering trying Brad’s program in tandem with your advice in the video, the only challenge is my most recent ex who i FOOLISHLY broke up with two weeks ago due to her wanting to live apart for some time to initially build a better future for us is moving roughly two hours away sometime next month anyway cause i wasnt supportive of her like i should have been, will your advice and brads program work even if there is distance between us? While it might be harder, at this point im willing to try anything, i also left you an email from your website going into more detail about my situation, hope to hear from you soon

    • Hi James! Yes, long-distance relationships are certainly harder to deal with. I have to be honest with you and say that your chances are slim, but definitely not impossible. And if you’re committed to winning your ex back, then Brad’s program would actually be perfect for you. In fact, you’ll find his program similar to my advice. It’s called the Ex Factor Guide and he also offers 1on1 email coaching. I’d love to take you on myself, but all of my coaching slots are booked up at the moment. Brad is a good friend of mine and I trust you’ll be in good hands. You can know more about his program and coaching here: http://www.breakupbrad.com

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