4 Ways to Build Sexual Tension

Hey guys, Kate Spring here, and I’m here to address something that is a real letdown for women in their relationships. And that is a lack of sexual tension. Sometimes, healthy tension can be one of those things missing in relationships and is like an on and off switch, but most of the time, it requires work.

Building sexual tension is like the growing hunger that makes a three-course meal so enjoyable, and the build-up to the main meal is the appetizer, and I’m going to share with you 4 ways to savor the entire meal.

Women need a gradual build up; they need to be teased. The art of playful teasing is giving a little and then taking it away, always leaving them wanting more. It has been scientifically proven that women and men treat sex differently and the way we get turned on varies in time! So remember, women need a little extra in the tension department. We too want to want it. And I guarantee, once you try these tactics, you won’t go back.

Build a connection with her

One of the most important ways to build tension with a woman is by having a connection with her mind. If it’s not an undeniable sexual chemistry at first, then no fear, because we can help to create it with these few steps. By connecting with a woman on an intellectual as well as emotional level, we will make her feel good about you, which is our goal!

man and woman flirting

This may seem pretty basic to you, but women are in their heads a lot of the time, and by penetrating her thoughts, and being thoughtful, you can really begin to have an effect. Aside from the physical contact we have with people, our most important connection with others is an emotional and an intellectual one.

We can achieve this through sharing some witty jokes or talking about topics that you’re passionate about. It shows you have depth and a mind to go along with your body. Dirty jokes do work, too, in some capacity! Don’t get me wrong, I love a good crude joke! But being too jokey can take away from the emotional connection we are trying to create with someone.

We connect with the mind, so start there. Humor and compassion fall under this category and are sure-fire ways to start building that connection that leads to attraction and then tension. You basically want to show your best side, and this is one of the first steps to building that tension, but first you have to build that connection.

Leave her wanting more

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And texting can enhance that tension with a few flirty texts, and leaving off with an “I can’t wait to see you ;)” wink emoji

Having a strong text game is key to creating sexual tension with your woman of interest. Texting allows you to blush and squawk and squeal like no one is watching, and it allows you to have whatever reaction you naturally feel and if you do it right, you can make her want you.

The text is a very specific one to learn—if you do not already practice savvy texting. Complimenting someone over text message is a good place to begin, and when you sign off, leave her a little, “I’m excited to see you!” These few things go a long way in the relationship build up. After all, it’s all about textual satisfaction!

Flirt with confidence

The third way to create tension is through flirting. Flirting requires some degree of comfort with your sexuality. Because if you are not, then your flirting may come off as strange and awkward.

Guilt surrounding sex is a negative aspect of our culture. Men and women are sexual beings and flirting is fun, so let go of whatever guilt you have pent up from your Sunday School days and explore.

Tension is the feeling of being pulled towards someone, but it is also experiencing resistance. It occurs when you and your girl interact and have a sexual desire to be with each other, but it is postponed or delayed or has yet to happen.

Tension is a thing that starts in the mind and spreads through the body. Now, if you have already done the horizontal mambo, because let’s face it, one night stands happen, these tips will work for you because the imagination already has a scene to recall. The goal of flirting is to create a sexual tension and if you can do that, you’ll be instantly attractive to her.

woman daydreaming

Women enjoy sex, so whatever you thought about women not liking sex as much as men is untrue. Flirting makes us feel good, and when we feel good, we want to continue feeling this way. And nothing feels better than the butterflies you get when you are being chased, and challenged. It makes us anticipate sexual intimacy and that’s what you want. Trust me, I know!

Be physical

The fourth, but equally as important, way to build sexual tension is by being physically affectionate. I think physical affection is one of the best things about relationships, especially at first. Women respond to a welcomed touch, and it makes them feel good!

This kind of touching can include just running your fingers gently along her shoulder, arms, thigh, really anywhere. Tickling, hand holding, and tiny kisses that linger also go a long way. This kind of gentle, physical contact really adds to the growing desire between men and women. With physical affection, not only are we trying to build up attraction in the mind, but also we’re trying to build it in the body.

Remember to enjoy the tension, because that is the most exciting part of dating and getting to know someone. Tension is all about restrictions. I think that’s why teenagers have so much sexual pent up angst. Because instead of having to create restrictions on themselves, they have them imposed on them by parents and schools, who tell them what is and isn’t appropriate.

As adults, we have to re-employ these strategies of restraint; otherwise, we will just find ourselves in a slew of unfulfilling one night stands.


Leave a comment
  • Hey Kate. I started flirting/building tension with this girl I work with (she’s 21 and I’m 23) around a month ago. It gradually built up to a hang out at my place- after getting drinks at a bar attached to my condo building, She suggested we go there, as a matter of fact and she initiated this post work hang out. I failed to make a move, and now she seems more distant- although still talking to me/asking to hang with others in a group. She gets attention from a bunch of other guys and seems like a manipulator. I say this because she told a mutual friend told me that she was saying things like he hits on me but I never reply to his messages. The mutual friend also tells me she talks about multiple guys hitting on her and expresses her interest in one or two- but not me. Concluded from this, that she’s a bit twisted. Although, I still want to have a casual fling with her. Any advice on how to get there after failing to sexually escalate on the first attempt?

    • To clarify, what she told the mutual friend is completely false- from her messages to me she was in to it for sure. Maybe not so much NOW that I didn’t make a move. I heard from another source that she wanted a one time thing, and even mentioned on our date that she didn’t want a relationship.

      I still believe there’s a shot because she calls and texts me to hang with a few other people from the office. What do you think?

  • Women have a lower interest in sex than men. Men resolve their sex drive physically through the act of sex mutually with a partner or manually by themselves. Women resolve their “sex drive” mentally through erotic literature and their imagination (male strippers), and manually through sex toys. There is much less desire for mutual sex with a partner of the opposite sex by a woman. Women may additionally seek sexual fulfillment with a female partner. Such an encounter between men is considered abhorrent and undesirable among heterosexual men. Women can have “mental orgasms.” Reading a graphic novel and drinking alcohol (especially wine) can satisfy female sexual needs and provide the release mentally without the need for physical intimacy. Men normally have orgasms and sexual fulfillment through mutual contact with a sex partner or manual contact through viewing and responding to pornography. Sexual tension is used by men as an attempt to obtain physical satisfaction sexually. Women can use sexual tension to create a mental scenario that may be expressed later without physical contact. This would provide the fantasy to use later for a mental orgasm. Sexual tension can as a result create a convoluted and misunderstood perception.

  • Hi Kate, I enjoyed your article. I have a question for you: what advice do you have for a 38 year old guy who’s never gone on a date (literally not even one – ever) because no woman could ever find me attractive. I’ve never asked any woman out because rejection is of course always guaranteed. I take good care of myself and am in good physical shape (diet, exercise), dress well and have a well paying job. Sexual tension sounds wonderful and I have felt very sexually attracted to several women over time, including one at the moment. I’ve never spoken to her, or smiled at her; I see her on occasion, but not surprisingly, she shows no sign interest in me – I don’t think she actually knows I exist. I don’t show any interest whatsoever in her because I don’t want her to be horrified. There’s never actually been sexual tension between me and anyone, because it has to be mutual, right? Since no woman could ever feel that with me, am I just doomed to be alone?

    • I’m sorry to hear about everything Paul. But if you give up on trying, then you won’t get anywhere. Here’s my advice… the next time you catch her eye (that girl you like), give her a warm smile. Start there. Give her a smile every single time you catch her eye, and when she at acknowledges you or smiles back, you can try approaching her. Just a simple hello will do in the beginning 🙂

  • Thanks, Kate. I have never caught her eye – or that of any woman. I really don’t want to horrify her by showing interest – anything I do (‘warm smile’ included) would certainly be taken the wrong way by any woman, because no woman could ever be attracted to me other than as a friend. I have several female friends, but none of them could ever see me in a sexual way.

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