Quit Being a Shy Guy

Are you a shy guy?

Does the thought of talking to strangers make your palms sweat and your heart race? Is the thought of doing karaoke in front of a crowded bar your worst nightmare? Does giving a presentation in front of any sized crowd send you into a panic attack?

If you answered “yes” to these questions, and are reading this article, then I would venture to guess that you in fact a shy person.

There is nothing wrong with being shy; it’s just something that is holding you back from achieving your fullest potential.

Some people are shy across the board in all areas of their life. And sometimes some people are only shy in one or two areas of their life. Here, we will look at some solutions to combat your shyness in dating.

So I’ve got 3 practical steps that you can start using immediately to get rid of that shy guy mask:

1.     Accept rejection:

2.     Adopt a “what do I have to lose” attitude

3.     Get comfortable getting out of your comfort zone

The only way that you are ever going to truly overcome your shyness is to get out and start interacting with people.

Just before we get started, it’s important to understand that being shy is all in your head. Being shy is living in fear or rejection and/or embarrassment and not being accepted.

Thankfully, for you, there are ways to deal with this, so let’s jump into them.

1. Accept Rejection:

Do you know why you’re shy? A lot of the time it is caused from a fear that you will be rejected or not accepted. The first step in relinquishing your shy exterior is to accept rejection. Rejection happens, especially in dating. And it happens to everyone at some point or another.

Dating, at first, is all about getting your batting average up. The more you swing, the more chances you have to hit the ball. Go out and strike out a few times, who cares? Literally, no one cares if you strike out. If you approach women with a genuine interest, and they just aren’t interested in you, so what? She’s probably not annoyed; she’s probably flattered, and you just made her day.

However, if you’re rude, and you slut shame her or offend her for not accepting your advance, then you come off as hurt and really desperate. So in the wise words of Taylor Swift, “Shake it off,” and don’t be a dick if a girl rejects you.

man shrugging his shoulders

The first time anyone gets rejected is the hardest. It’s an unknown feeling, but it is a manageable one. Ask yourself why you associated your self worth with a stranger’s opinion of you?

Part of fearing rejection comes from fearing embarrassment. People embarrass themselves daily. Having the ability to laugh at yourself and not be afraid to make mistakes is a quality that women, and just all people, in general, find attractive. Don’t take yourself so seriously. The worst that could happen is that someone could say no to you at this point. And that just means you’re one step closer to finding the girl that will say yes to you.

Having the ability to laugh at yourself is a sign of confidence. It suggests to a woman that you aren’t afraid to make mistakes. You know what you want, and you go after it. That is confidence.

Some ways to deal with rejection are as follows:

  • Focus on positive things in your life.
  •  Do a physical activity to take your mind off of it.
  • Spend time with people that care about you and make you laugh.
  • Don’t avoid your feelings; acknowledge them, but don’t dwell on the negative ones.
  • Learn from rejection. What did you gain from this? Every experience is an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
  • Don’t let rejection define you.

2. Adopt a “What do I have to lose” attitude:

What do I mean by adopt a “what do I have to lose attitude”?

The thing about being shy is that it is all in your head. People are selfish in that we think about ourselves constantly. How are we being perceived? Does the barista think I’m cute? Does my boss like me? Do my co-workers hate me?

We are so consumed with what other people think about us that we often forget to really consider if we like ourselves. And if you want to find a girlfriend or just casually date, you have to like yourself in order for someone else to like you. So having a what do I have to lose attitude helps you to get there by not allowing what other people think about you define how you think about yourself.

Stop letting other people’s opinions directly affect you and/or what you do.

You can start by approaching people that you already have some sort of relationship with. For example, do you have a job and co-workers? If yes, then start here. Because you already work together and are around each other for a good portion of the day, start to interact with your co- workers more. Ask them how their weekend was. Maybe invite a couple of them to go for lunch one day that week. Start small.two cartoon hands in the shape of a W with saying whatever

Being comfortable talking to people won’t come overnight, and some people never fully get over it, as it takes energy and effort. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes to keep on doing.

Another way that you can start to develop this kind of attitude is to get comfortable talking to strangers everywhere that you go. Smile at babies that pass you by. Play peek a boo with them if you’re waiting in a line or talk to their parent and ask how old they are. Go up to someone on the street and ask them for the time.

Not to be blunt, but people really aren’t all that concerned with what you’re doing or how you’re doing it, whatever “it” is.

People are too concerned with themselves to really worry about you. And people who go out of their way to talk to people and interact are actually revered, not laughed at.

A lot of people suffer from social anxiety, so stop living in fear that you might get rejected or embarrassed. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Someone tells you to “F*ck off”? What about all the women and/or people that would respond positively to you? If you don’t try to meet people or engage, then you miss out on all the wonderful people out there who do want to spend time with you.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”- Wayne Gretzky

3. Get comfortable getting out of your comfort zone:

The final step in diminishing your shyness is to get out of your comfort zone. Try new things. Start talking to more people that you interact with daily. Start forming opinions on things and stick to them, regardless if people disagree with you. Be assertive with what you want and/or believe.

Not the “Um, maybe, can I please, um, like have a large coffee to go, if it’s not too much to ask?” No, say, “I’ll have a large coffee to go, thanks.” You can still be polite and be assertive.

Stop thinking of yourself as being inferior to anyone. No one is better than anyone else, so stop feeling like you are inferior to women and/or other men.

Once you stop trying to please everyone else and start just focusing on pleasing yourself, you will be amazed at how much your life can change in a small amount of time and how much happier and confident you feel.

10 Comments

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  • Hi Kate,

    Shane age 23 here from Ottawa Ontario CA, I recently discovered your youtube channel. As soon as I heard that you were from BC I subscribed immediately. I born there myself, Victoria island, so I have a good feeling about you in terms of not leading me astray with your words of wisdom.

    I was wondering if you could do a video or give me some advice/tips about confidence and what I mean by that is finding it or finding it again.

    I’m not going to go deep in details, long story short; 4 years ago I was dating this girl after two months I found out that her ex was still in the picture and basically she used me (sex) to get back her ex and make him jealous. After that, lost my confidence and being trying to get it back ever since. I just graduated from college which greatly help me gain some of it back especially when I started working out . However, I still don’t feel like the old me, I’m close but not close enough where I can consider myself to the alpha male version of me that I used to be.

    I hope to hear from soon, and I’m looking forward to your next video.

    Sincerely,

    Shane

    • Hi Shane,

      I’m so sorry to hear that. Those are really tough situations to be in and they are, unfortunately, quite common. However, we can work on a new found confidence. I think a lot of people go through this where they lose their adolescent confidence, but gain a new found stronger one. I think you’re in the right place. CHeck out a couple of my other blog posts, as well as read some self-help books. I know that that might sound weird, but they are there for a reason and are an awesome outlet for the right now!

      All the best,

      Kate.

  • It is the self-awareness which plays a key role in driving shyness. And I think the most straightforward approach to reducing the self-awareness is by dressing well and reframing the mind. A shy guy can become anxious easily. You need to build your confidence, boost your admiration, develop an agreeable mindset, understand the mechanism of shyness, and determine to remain okay at the time of criticism, by which you can mitigate the factor of bashfulness to a significant level. Thanks- Kate, for sharing such an illuminating insight.

  • Late,
    Thank you. You’re the only coach that answers. Shows you care.
    I am shy, but, I’m also married. Separated actually.
    I know you’re not condoning cheating, one night stands, etc. Truth is you have the best advice and I am always honest.
    Party of my problem, not bragging or being cocky, is I get hit on also and I get caught off guard.
    Some women are married also, some single, but it happens and I am flattered.
    But I’m going to remember your article which I bookmarked.
    Thank you
    Frank 😎

    • Thanks Frank! Yes, I absolutely don’t tolerate all those bad practices. One of the best help that I can give is letting someone know the difference between right and wrong 😉 You can find many tips here that can help you get the advantage over your situation and sometimes, even avoid trouble!

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