What To Do If She Says She Has A Boyfriend


Have you ever fallen for someone who is already in a relationship? If you have, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I personally have, and I know many people who have as well. This is a super tricky position to find yourself in. It’s like a more complicated version of the friend zone, but with a third party participant. Anyways, I’m here to help you with what to do if she says she has a boyfriend.

I’m sure you already feel how uncomfortable this situation is. And there are really two camps here: one is that you’ve just met her, and, two, she is already your friend who has a boyfriend. For the latter, I would say that it is best to move on. But, now you’re thinking, what if you have a friendship with her? That is a different story and one I can help you with.

If you are just friends with a girl that you like, I want to say try and then move on and keeping her as a friend. However, if your feelings are strong enough, you want to be proactive about it and not have any regrets. I understand the need to at least try to let her know you have feelings for her before you can fathom moving on.

Chances are, if you’re friends with her and you like her, you will try to be the person that she can call on whenever she needs someone. If this is you, you’re her security blanket. This allows her to date other men but still keep you there for all of the good advice, and positive male attention.

What to do when she’s your friend?

This is, essentially, the friend zone, which is not a terrible place to be in. This just means that you are valuable to her, but she doesn’t see herself dating you, yet.

Being in the friend zone doesn’t completely suck, I mean it sucks, but thankfully you can try and do something about it. Being in the friend zone means that she trusts you and probably doesn’t want to complicate or lose you as a friend by dating you. No matter how strong your feelings are, you aren’t going to change her mind over night. Regardless, if you like her current boyfriend or not, it’s not your job to tell her why she shouldn’t date him. The key here is patience. Watch and be there for her. Love takes on many forms, and one of the most valuable is friendship. So don’t get discouraged just yet.

Do not, whatever you do, or however drunk you get, talk poorly about her current boyfriend. When girls hear this, it makes them not want to confide in you anymore and you will put her in protection mode and make her defend her boyfriend to you.

Ultimately, girls need to make their own decisions in relationships they don’t want to be told who is good enough for them. They need to learn it themselves.  No matter how loud you yell it, she may never hear it, or she only will when she is finally ready to hear it and move on.

Stop being her emotional security blanket:

Ok, there are, however, some ways that you could change her mind or help her along the decision-making process. That is, if you are always available to her, you need to stop. At this point, she sees you as a friend, not someone who is boyfriend material. If you want to subtly let her know that you’re not her surrogate boyfriend, you need to create some distance from her. You’re the boyfriend without the benefits; you basically pick up the pieces that her boyfriend fails to.

But this is a good position to be in because it means a couple things: one, it means that she values you and your opinion, but, at the same time, you are not the person she is attracted to if you are so available to her. If you start to live your life without her, not always being there to comfort her when she’s sad, to hang out whenever she wants, or to immediately answer her phone calls, she will probably start to realize that she needs to make a decision. And if you start dating other women, this will ultimately frustrate her in that another woman has essentially “stolen” her friend.

Increase your value by being busy without her:

Once you start to live your life without her, maybe she will have to reconsider who she could live without, either you or her boyfriend. Another bonus of this is if your emotions happen to be lust, the chances are, in the right environment, they can be pretty fleeting. Taking yourself out from under her wing and living for yourself might actually allow you to go out and meet someone else. You don’t want to be the security blanket.

Be honest:

If these feelings are inevitable, and some time has passed, and you just cannot quit her, then you have to tell her. But please, please, don’t do it wasted on a night out and get all weepy. This won’t work to your benefit. And don’t tell her with the expectation that she will leave her boyfriend for you. You don’t want to be the guy that snakes another guy’s girl. I feel like you “guys” have unspoken rules about this type of thing. Your reason for telling her should be for closure.

17 Comments

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  • Dear Kate

    Thou I find my most deepest feelings …some how awkward , you have had much impact on me bby motivation and courage to make decision’s. Thus it take professional intuition to see success ….much appreciation …guess I had much to be thankful for…much love and “God” bless

    Regards
    Randall

  • Hi, I’ve got a question about the being honest part:

    After you have told a friend you like her and are ready for the closure and decided to move on, she keeps looking for you like by all means she has?
    She sends pictures of places you hanged out with her, articles you might find interesting, tries to be funny in her texts, calls you to make silly questions. Or if you don’t reply keeps going with the conversation.

    Thanks Kate

    • Hey Charles! I think this friend of yours is interested in you. But you should keep building a life of your own. Don’t expect anything more than just friendship unless she tells you that she likes you herself. Good luck!

      • Hi Kate,
        I called this friend of mine and asked her for a favor: basically was if I could borrow a pair of earrings I designed and gave her. She sounded very exited and before I could even tell her the favor, she accepted. She told me she didn’t have them but immediately gave the solution. She sent me those earrings, and when I asked how to give them back she told me we could hang out (something she had avoided every time before when I asked). She also asked me if I had noticed her using the earrings in her profile picture.
        And yesterday I wished her a merry Christmas through text and again she texts me back telling me we should hang out and she wanted to invite me “something” for my birthday.
        I know you already told me she could be interested, but how she talked on the phone and how she’s been so proactive in meeting up scares me and excites me. because I don’t want someone to fool around with me. In your experience, what should I expect?

        Thanks.

  • Ok so I feel like I’m basically what you described but the thing is she doesn’t like it when I tell her I’m busy and I basically confessed before even attempting anything.like my situation is really tricky and she keeps leaving me guessing about her feelings

  • Hi Sweetie!

    You’re just fantastic, insightful as a coach…
    But MAN! what a Hottie!
    Too bad that you live at the other side of the country…

    Well, at least I can offer you to be your host and guide if you come visit our National Capital!

    Such a Sweetie you are!

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