Have you ever fallen for someone who is already in a relationship? If you have, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I personally have, and I know many people who have as well. This is a super tricky position to find yourself in. It’s like a more complicated version of the friend zone, but with a third party participant. Anyways, I’m here to help you with what to do if she says she has a boyfriend.
I’m sure you already feel how uncomfortable this situation is. And there are really two camps here: one is that you’ve just met her, and, two, she is already your friend who has a boyfriend. For the latter, I would say that it is best to move on. But, now you’re thinking, what if you have a friendship with her? That is a different story and one I can help you with.
If you are just friends with a girl that you like, I want to say try and then move on and keeping her as a friend. However, if your feelings are strong enough, you want to be proactive about it and not have any regrets. I understand the need to at least try to let her know you have feelings for her before you can fathom moving on.
Chances are, if you’re friends with her and you like her, you will try to be the person that she can call on whenever she needs someone. If this is you, you’re her security blanket. This allows her to date other men but still keep you there for all of the good advice, and positive male attention.
What to do when she’s your friend?
This is, essentially, the friend zone, which is not a terrible place to be in. This just means that you are valuable to her, but she doesn’t see herself dating you, yet.
Being in the friend zone doesn’t completely suck, I mean it sucks, but thankfully you can try and do something about it. Being in the friend zone means that she trusts you and probably doesn’t want to complicate or lose you as a friend by dating you. No matter how strong your feelings are, you aren’t going to change her mind over night. Regardless, if you like her current boyfriend or not, it’s not your job to tell her why she shouldn’t date him. The key here is patience. Watch and be there for her. Love takes on many forms, and one of the most valuable is friendship. So don’t get discouraged just yet.
Do not, whatever you do, or however drunk you get, talk poorly about her current boyfriend. When girls hear this, it makes them not want to confide in you anymore and you will put her in protection mode and make her defend her boyfriend to you.
Ultimately, girls need to make their own decisions in relationships they don’t want to be told who is good enough for them. They need to learn it themselves. No matter how loud you yell it, she may never hear it, or she only will when she is finally ready to hear it and move on.
Stop being her emotional security blanket:
Ok, there are, however, some ways that you could change her mind or help her along the decision-making process. That is, if you are always available to her, you need to stop. At this point, she sees you as a friend, not someone who is boyfriend material. If you want to subtly let her know that you’re not her surrogate boyfriend, you need to create some distance from her. You’re the boyfriend without the benefits; you basically pick up the pieces that her boyfriend fails to.
But this is a good position to be in because it means a couple things: one, it means that she values you and your opinion, but, at the same time, you are not the person she is attracted to if you are so available to her. If you start to live your life without her, not always being there to comfort her when she’s sad, to hang out whenever she wants, or to immediately answer her phone calls, she will probably start to realize that she needs to make a decision. And if you start dating other women, this will ultimately frustrate her in that another woman has essentially “stolen” her friend.
Increase your value by being busy without her:
Once you start to live your life without her, maybe she will have to reconsider who she could live without, either you or her boyfriend. Another bonus of this is if your emotions happen to be lust, the chances are, in the right environment, they can be pretty fleeting. Taking yourself out from under her wing and living for yourself might actually allow you to go out and meet someone else. You don’t want to be the security blanket.
If these feelings are inevitable, and some time has passed, and you just cannot quit her, then you have to tell her. But please, please, don’t do it wasted on a night out and get all weepy. This won’t work to your benefit. And don’t tell her with the expectation that she will leave her boyfriend for you. You don’t want to be the guy that snakes another guy’s girl. I feel like you “guys” have unspoken rules about this type of thing. Your reason for telling her should be for closure.