Why You’re Still Single


Having trouble finding a girlfriend? There’s a chance you’re getting in your own way. These are some general reasons why a lot of people in this day and age are still single.

1. Your expectations are too high

One of the main reasons why you’re single is that your expectations are too high and unrealistic. Maybe you have one of those checklists that sounds like this: brunette, thin, not taller than me, can cook, has her own money, is the perfect mix of sexy and cute, loves sex, likes all of my friends, is independent, etc.

We all have traits we want in a partner but if your list is too extensive and specific, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment, which is a definite contributor to your non-existent relationship status.

These lists are problematic. Think about a woman’s potential list and what it’s like to live up to other people’s unrealistic standards? It can be off-putting. 

Her list:

  • humble
  • sexy
  • confident
  • adores me
  •  thinks I’m beautiful THE MOST beautiful woman in the world
  • loyal & committed
  • makes me want him by sometimes ignoring me
  • loves to travel
  • funny
  • generous
  • patient
  • romantic

Do you want to try to live up to those standards?

Honestly, the list could go on and on for both men and women but I think where we’ve gone wrong is that we’re constantly inundated with images and ideas of perfection. The perfect gym body, the perfect gym couple (#relationshipgoals) but what we fail to see in our daily social media intake is the quirks and imperfections that make us unique and special.

Many people even think that for a relationship to work they need to follow some arbitrary checklist that worked for one person, when in reality, you determine what works for you and your partner.

It’s really simple: We all have our own imperfections. Everyone we date also has their own imperfections. Intimacy and romance is determined by people who have comparable and complementary imperfections to one another.”

-Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Throw the arbitrary check list out the window. Try and just meet and engage with people for the sake of expanding your horizons. Test yourself by engaging with people who you wouldn’t have before for the sheer purpose of trying to learn a different way of being in the world. And learn some new things about yourself along the way! Open your mind and your preferences.

2. You lack self-confidence

René Descartes says “Cogito ergo sum.” I think; therefore, I am.

“You are what you think about all day long.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

What you think you become.  The way that you think and speak about yourself directly correlates to how you carry yourself and how people perceive you.

Trauma therapist Lisa Ferentez says that your thoughts profoundly impact your mood and emotions.

This impacts your behavior, self-confidence, and the healthy risks that do or don’t get taken, as well as your self-worth and self-esteem in all areas of your life: personal, professional, romantic, and so forth.

“Being single is FAR better than settling… So, stand up for yourself and who you are and what you want.”
Jim Wolfe on Eliminating Frustration With Women

The way that we think about ourselves directly effects how we engage with the external world.

A lot of a lack of self-confidence has to do with fear. This is the “I’m afraid, so that must mean that I can’t do this” mindset. Ferentez says that, being afraid translates to ‘There’s no point in trying or believing that success can be achieved.’

Be kind to yourself. We’re all trying our best. When you’re feeling afraid ask yourself “what do I have to lose by trying something new?” The answer will usually be “nothing.” At the end of the day, whatever happens to you, you will be ok.

So remember to keep your self-confidence high and your expectations reasonable and you’ll find your perfect match before you know it.

approaching a woman


References

 

26 Comments

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  • Hi Kate,

    I would like to know if it is okay to befriend and proceed further with younger girls who are showing interest in somebody. I am an older guy (turned 42 recently, but don’t look a day older than 30), and the problem is that I don’t look my age.

    There is a girl at my work place who is around her mid 20s, showing clear interest in me. I am interested too, but I bet she is not aware of my age. Should I be upfront with my age right away. Please advice how to approach and deal with this as this is bogging me down.

    I find your videos very informative and hoping to find a definitive answer.

    By the way, I am from India and please also consider the cultural aspect if at all you are aware of.

    Thanks and Regards,
    Venkat M

    • Yes, you should be upfront with it Venkat. It’s not like it’s a bad thing, but culling those who think the age is a huge factor when dating a guy will definitely save you some time and emotional investment. I’m not saying you go about telling everybody your age, but you can bring it up as soon as you think the timing is right 🙂

  • So far so good!!!! Kate Springer; Why still single up to now, is i’m un able to have someone exactly like you!!! Coz u a gal of special qualities!!!!

    • That’s the goal Monica. There’s a lot of people out there who keeps on wondering where it all went wrong and I hope this will give them a little insight to do better next time! 😉

  • Hi kate, I met this girl at work she was customer. I got her number, we would communicate quite a bit. It was mostly one sided tho, I would initiate the conversation. We were both busy with school and work, no time to meet face to face. We finally planned to kick it, but she wouldn’t reply my text or answer my calls. I got so confused and called her the day before we were meant to hang out, she totally forgot about the plan we both made. Am I missing something?

    • It’s best if you leave it for now and consider moving on Chinedu. I’m not saying there’s no chance, but if she’s interested, she’ll get excited about going out with you instead of forgetting it. You can ask her out again but not anytime soon as this would make you seem to be a little too pushy and needy. The last thing you’d want is to make her think you’re that desperate. Give it a week or so but make sure you set it up in a way that’s pretty convenient for her and would give her little to no reasons to bail out on you again. Good luck! 😊

    • It could be because of the way you treat them Michael. Have you ever tried to ask one of them why they act like that? Confrontation might do you some good so you’ll what you need to work on 😉

  • Hi Kate, my name is Prince from Ghana. i have been in relationship for the past 3 years with a lady that i love so much. she left to her hometown after completion of her nursing training school, over there she is dating another person and she is no longer interested in me. Am confuse and don’t know what to do.

    • Sorry to hear that Prince, but I think it’s best for you to just move on at this point. Considering it’s a long-distance relationship, your chances weren’t looking that good and now that she’s already dating someone else, I’d say the chances of winning her back would be slim to none. It’s probably not what you want to hear right now but I don’t want to give you false hopes so the sooner you realize this, the better.

  • I am an older man in my Late 70’s. My wife passed away about a year ago after 48 years of marriage . What should I do to get back in the dating field and how?

  • Hey Kate my name is Devon in 2016 I lost girl I really like and things went left I want her back plus a few months ago reach out to her we’ve talk and finally met again every thing was fine fees days later we was supposed to hang out she flake on me so the next day she send me a text on snap chat I’ve open two hours later and I didn’t respond yet she text me and said “ignoring me I see” I’m like no and ever since we haven’t spoke she still look and me social media and respond on things and I post sometimes

    • Why didn’t you respond? You were doing great and you could’ve at least tried to hear her explanation on why she bailed out on you. I suggest you go try and re-establish communication again and build your momentum from there but be careful not to go all out so you won’t appear desperate.

  • Hi Kate. So my lady and I have been together over 6 months. We moved a bit quick and know our families. Hers love me and mine her. Many little issues became big and we are in relationships limbo. On our last date we had THE TALK which scared me. She said “i honestly don’t know where we stand. I know myself and i don’t know if i can bring myself to feel what i did for you before.” Her name also happens to be Kate so perhaps you are a coincidence by the universe. I need help please, I do not wanna lose her.
    The downfall was my jealousy in the beginning (was corrected) and then my neediness (abandonment issues, etc). I’ve made great strides but the damage is done.

    • Sorry to hear that Dennis. You’re walking on a thin line and that means you really have to be careful with your actions from now on because that’s what she needs. Actions, not words. You said it yourself: the damage is done but it’s the kind that can’t be repaired overnight. Show her that you have your issues worked out and remember to be consistent with it.

  • Hi Kate, My name is Mike. I am single and have a few questions . I recently went to a concert and met a young lady who gave me her business card after I asked her out for coffee. I didn’t talk a great deal with her at the concert because I didn’t want to impose. I figured while it was cool talking to her I didn’t want to cling to her as if I was her date. Now fast forward to the next day . I sent her a text saying that.. “Hi girls name… it’s Mike from the concert .Are you free for coffee this weekend? ” So was it too soon to text her the next day and should I have complimented her on her beautiful blue eyes.? Never got a response to my text.. should I write this one off or wait a week and email her. I am so clueless..

  • Hi Kate.

    I’m Tom and I am 38 years old.

    There’s a girl (T – 32 yrs.) who used to be my friend’s (C- 30 yrs.) girlfriend.
    After they broke up, I really wanted her a lot but friendship got in the way. Also with my friend C because I was the third wheel during their relationship.
    So since the break-up which was 10 years ago, T and I would get together quite a bit for coffee etc. We wouldn’t see each other every day but every time I saw her, all these feelings would build up. We’ve been meeting up like this for years now (not every day) and I so really wanted to at least tell her how I felt about her.
    It’s been 10 years since T was dating C and now for the past 2-3 years, C and I aren’t on speaking terms. Not because of T but because he just moved on without me. He completely wrote me off for no reason whatsoever. And when I told T, she said to just ignore him and in time I did because trying to reach out to my “friend” was a lost cause. So, now that I’m not friends anymore with C, I thought I would have a shot with T but as I said in the beginning, friendship got in the way.
    I still see T sometimes but not as much as before. Not seeing her as much, does that mean we aren’t, should I say, friends anymore? Are we just acquaintances now? Would it be easier to make a move or just tell her how I feel? Or did I miss this opportunity?
    T can be a bit strange sometimes. I get a strange vibe like she’s avoiding me or she just meets me for coffee not because she wants to but because I tell her to. And she used to send me messages to meet up on her own but now it’s me that sends mostly.
    What should I do?

    • Hey Tom. By the looks of it, you may have missed your chance and lost the good momentum you had. It’s not too late to tell her how you feel though. I think you should still go and do it rather than regret a missed opportunity for a long time. Good luck!

  • Hey Kate. There’s a girl I really like, we were in a relationship for about a month then we broke up. She still maintains contact. Any chances of getting her back. And How?

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