Why You’re Still Single


Having trouble finding a girlfriend? There’s a chance you’re getting in your own way. These are some general reasons why a lot of people in this day and age are still single.

1. Your expectations are too high

One of the main reasons why you’re single is that your expectations are too high and unrealistic. Maybe you have one of those checklists that sounds like this: brunette, thin, not taller than me, can cook, has her own money, is the perfect mix of sexy and cute, loves sex, likes all of my friends, is independent, etc.

We all have traits we want in a partner but if your list is too extensive and specific, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment, which is a definite contributor to your non-existent relationship status.

These lists are problematic. Think about a woman’s potential list and what it’s like to live up to other people’s unrealistic standards? It can be off-putting. 

Her list:

  • humble
  • sexy
  • confident
  • adores me
  •  thinks I’m beautiful THE MOST beautiful woman in the world
  • loyal & committed
  • makes me want him by sometimes ignoring me
  • loves to travel
  • funny
  • generous
  • patient
  • romantic

Do you want to try to live up to those standards?

Honestly, the list could go on and on for both men and women but I think where we’ve gone wrong is that we’re constantly inundated with images and ideas of perfection. The perfect gym body, the perfect gym couple (#relationshipgoals) but what we fail to see in our daily social media intake is the quirks and imperfections that make us unique and special.

Many people even think that for a relationship to work they need to follow some arbitrary checklist that worked for one person, when in reality, you determine what works for you and your partner.

It’s really simple: We all have our own imperfections. Everyone we date also has their own imperfections. Intimacy and romance is determined by people who have comparable and complementary imperfections to one another.”

-Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Throw the arbitrary check list out the window. Try and just meet and engage with people for the sake of expanding your horizons. Test yourself by engaging with people who you wouldn’t have before for the sheer purpose of trying to learn a different way of being in the world. And learn some new things about yourself along the way! Open your mind and your preferences.

2. You lack self-confidence

René Descartes says “Cogito ergo sum.” I think; therefore, I am.

“You are what you think about all day long.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

What you think you become.  The way that you think and speak about yourself directly correlates to how you carry yourself and how people perceive you.

Trauma therapist Lisa Ferentez says that your thoughts profoundly impact your mood and emotions.

This impacts your behavior, self-confidence, and the healthy risks that do or don’t get taken, as well as your self-worth and self-esteem in all areas of your life: personal, professional, romantic, and so forth.

The way that we think about ourselves directly effects how we engage with the external world.

A lot of a lack of self-confidence has to do with fear. This is the “I’m afraid, so that must mean that I can’t do this” mindset. Ferentez says that, being afraid translates to ‘There’s no point in trying or believing that success can be achieved.’

Be kind to yourself. We’re all trying our best. When you’re feeling afraid ask yourself “what do I have to lose by trying something new?” The answer will usually be “nothing.” At the end of the day, whatever happens to you, you will be ok.

So remember to keep your self-confidence high and your expectations reasonable and you’ll find your perfect match before you know it.

approaching a woman


References

 

12 Comments

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  • Hi Kate,

    I would like to know if it is okay to befriend and proceed further with younger girls who are showing interest in somebody. I am an older guy (turned 42 recently, but don’t look a day older than 30), and the problem is that I don’t look my age.

    There is a girl at my work place who is around her mid 20s, showing clear interest in me. I am interested too, but I bet she is not aware of my age. Should I be upfront with my age right away. Please advice how to approach and deal with this as this is bogging me down.

    I find your videos very informative and hoping to find a definitive answer.

    By the way, I am from India and please also consider the cultural aspect if at all you are aware of.

    Thanks and Regards,
    Venkat M

    • Yes, you should be upfront with it Venkat. It’s not like it’s a bad thing, but culling those who think the age is a huge factor when dating a guy will definitely save you some time and emotional investment. I’m not saying you go about telling everybody your age, but you can bring it up as soon as you think the timing is right 🙂

  • So far so good!!!! Kate Springer; Why still single up to now, is i’m un able to have someone exactly like you!!! Coz u a gal of special qualities!!!!

    • That’s the goal Monica. There’s a lot of people out there who keeps on wondering where it all went wrong and I hope this will give them a little insight to do better next time! 😉

  • Hi kate, I met this girl at work she was customer. I got her number, we would communicate quite a bit. It was mostly one sided tho, I would initiate the conversation. We were both busy with school and work, no time to meet face to face. We finally planned to kick it, but she wouldn’t reply my text or answer my calls. I got so confused and called her the day before we were meant to hang out, she totally forgot about the plan we both made. Am I missing something?

    • It’s best if you leave it for now and consider moving on Chinedu. I’m not saying there’s no chance, but if she’s interested, she’ll get excited about going out with you instead of forgetting it. You can ask her out again but not anytime soon as this would make you seem to be a little too pushy and needy. The last thing you’d want is to make her think you’re that desperate. Give it a week or so but make sure you set it up in a way that’s pretty convenient for her and would give her little to no reasons to bail out on you again. Good luck! 😊

    • It could be because of the way you treat them Michael. Have you ever tried to ask one of them why they act like that? Confrontation might do you some good so you’ll what you need to work on 😉

  • Hi Kate, my name is Prince from Ghana. i have been in relationship for the past 3 years with a lady that i love so much. she left to her hometown after completion of her nursing training school, over there she is dating another person and she is no longer interested in me. Am confuse and don’t know what to do.

    • Sorry to hear that Prince, but I think it’s best for you to just move on at this point. Considering it’s a long-distance relationship, your chances weren’t looking that good and now that she’s already dating someone else, I’d say the chances of winning her back would be slim to none. It’s probably not what you want to hear right now but I don’t want to give you false hopes so the sooner you realize this, the better.

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